Goodbye, My Almost Lover
by Twistedloveaffair69
Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.
1. Chapter 1

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and the title of the chapter is from The Funeral by Band of Horses.**

 **Chapter One: Every Occasion I'll Be Ready for the Funeral**

 ** _"Death is peaceful... easy. Life is harder."_**

 ** _—_** ** _Bella Swan_**

* * *

Bella stood in the cemetery silently staring down at the grave.

He was gone.

She swallowed hard as she moved her arms tighter around herself.

The weather was flawless. The sun was shining, the sky was cloud free, the perfect day…just like he would have wanted.

 _"It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."_

 _"I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."_

 _He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."_

Billy continued to speak as she turned her head slightly and saw Sam holding Emily in his arms as she cried. She knew that she should probably be crying right now but she couldn't shed a tear.

None of it felt real.

None of it.

Wasn't it just last week that they were sitting on the beach staring at the waves?

Wasn't it just a few days ago that he was there waiting for her at the edge of the drive way?

The funeral wasn't long, or to Bella it didn't feel long. Then again, her concept of time has never been that good… 5 days…not a very long amount of time, but to Bella it felt like an eternity.

He'd been a part of her life for so long… and now he was gone.

A year and half?

 _"We used to make mud pies when we were little."_

Most of her childhood?

Almost all of her life; years isn't that long a life, compared to how long the Cullens had been around, but it was enough time to change her life forever.

 **Forever…**

Such an overly used word but what does it even mean?

 _For all future time; for always, a very long time, for always, evermore, for ever and ever, for good, for all time, until the end of time, until hell freezes over, eternally, forevermore, perpetually, in perpetuity;_

That's all she ever wanted…A forever with Edward.

Now that word was ruined.

She wished she could be angry, no; she was past angry…she was furious with Jacob Black.

How dare he die?

How dare he leave her all alone?

 _"But you're not alone. You have Edward, don't you? Isn't that enough?" he said, not looking up from the car magazine he was reading._

Bella shivered, though there was no wind.

"It was supposed to be," she whispered.

Here she was, at 18, burying her best friend a few weeks before her wedding. People started walking by her, some giving her sympathetic glances, others glaring, others ignoring her. No one spoke to her. Not even the Pack. Everyone was headed to Sam and Emily's for the wake.

She was alone…

It was odd that they would have it after the funeral. Wasn't the point of a wake to ensure that the "dead" person was really, you know, dead? One last chance for the dead person to **_"wake"_** up.

Why didn't he wake up?

Why'd he have to die?

 **"Aww Bells, don't be sad. It's not like it's goodbye forever…wait, I guess it is since you'll probably never die for real,"**

She could see him standing there next to the grave; the laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had always warmed a secret part of her heart.

Now, it made her sick. She shouldn't be able to picture him smiling like that when he was dead.

She looked around and realized she was one of the last ones there. She should probably head to the wake…but she wasn't sure that she'd be welcome and she didn't want to go home yet. Jacob was all over her home.

He was in the living room.

 _"I thought you couldn't protect me here?"_

 _"Well, I guess I don't care."_

He was in the kitchen about to kiss her.

 _"We don't have to do this to each other."_

 _"Yes, we do."_

He was in her bedroom.

 _"Well, maybe we should just get out of here for a while. Just leave, just you and me."_

 _"You'd do that?"_

 _"I would do it for you."_

 _"It's not something I can just run away from, Bella. But I would…_ _ **run away**_ _…_ _ **with you**_ _, if I could."_

She couldn't even leave her house without seeing him in the driveway.

 _"Hi, I'm Jacob…We used to make mud pies when we were little."_

 _"I remember."_

Was this the life she'd tried to force on Jacob? Living in a world where she was gone and still seeing her everywhere? If that was the case, then she deserved this.

But she wouldn't have been gone. She'd still be alive…Well, she'd be undead but same difference…and she was sure that she could have eventually convinced Jacob that they could still be friends.

 _"You won't be Bella anymore…My friend won't exist. There'll be no one to forgive."_

Because being a vampire wasn't the same as being dead. She'd still be able to walk and go to school.

She'd still talk to…

 **After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead.**

Jacob was just the first of many.

A crack started to spread through the armor she'd placed around herself.

She should call Edward before he started to worry. A hand on her arm startled her out of her thoughts and she turned her head to look at Charlie.

"Are you alright, Bella?"

Bella looked at Charlie, mentally counting how many years he had left. Maybe a good forty more years if she managed to make him eat right and take better care of himself…but was that enough time.

She wouldn't even get to see him anymore.

Just like she'd never see Jacob again.

"I need more time." She blurted out.

Charlie opened his mouth to say something but changed his mind.

"Take as much time as you need, Bella. I'll be at the house with Billy," he said.

Bella nodded and Charlie watched as she made her way over to the freshly covered grave.

He remembered the zombie like state she'd been after the Cullen kid left and he worried that she might be returning to that soon. He was prepared for the worst.

Jacob's death was a tragedy.

It had come so unexpectedly and just blindsided everyone.

Charlie had still been holding out hope that Bella would come to her senses and call off this foolish marriage. He'd been rooting for Jacob since the beginning.

He'd seen something in Jacob's eyes when the kid had looked at his daughter, something he hadn't seen in the Cullen's kids. He'd seen a pure love for Bella.

Jacob brought Bella to life. He put a sparkle in her eye…but right now that spark was gone….Dead and buried…and it might never be coming back… and that scared him.

Jacob was like the son that he never had…he watched the kid grow from a boy into a man …the sadness that he feeling was painful, but for Bella…Jacob was her best friend …he was her sun…and, though she hadn't realized it yet, he was her soulmate.

 _"Sometimes you got to learn to love what's good for you."_

He watched from a distance as Bella eyes teared up and wondered what she must be thinking.

Bella looked at the grave and her chest tightened. She'd felt pain in her life, sorrow so deep that she thought she'd never rise again, but it was nothing compared to this.

She felt like she couldn't breathe, it was as if someone was squeezing her heart in a vice grip. Her breathing quickened as she felt water gather in her eyes.

 _"It would have been effortless for us — comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken…If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic…"_

What was the point of there being magic in the world if it couldn't save him?

"Why Jake? You promised me…you promised you'd always be there."

 _"It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me."_

 _…_ _.._

 _"Until your heart stops beating, Bella. I'll be here,"_

"My heart's still beating Jacob! Where are you? Why? Why didn't you fight harder? Why did you leave me?" Her voice grew louder and Charlie flinched as he watched his little girl breaking right before his eyes.

She screamed at the grave; expressing the most emotion he'd seen from her since they said he was dead.

* * *

 _"He not dead! He's not! He's not! You're wrong! You have to be! He can't be gone!" she cried, trying to run out the door._

 _"Bella, he's gone," Edward said, gravely._

 _"No," she whispered, falling to her knees._

 _"Bella, you knew this would happen one day. You should have been prepared for this," Edward said, placing his hand on her shoulder and Charlie was shocked by the coldness in his voice._

 _"No!" Bella yelled pushing his hand off her and started tearing up her room._

 _"Get out!" she yelled, throwing things at him._

 _Edward tried to talk to her and calm her down but the sound of his voice just made her scream, louder and louder, until finally she started crying._

 _"You're hurting yourself, Bella!" Charlie yelled, and she went slack in his arms._

 _"He not dead," she whispered. "He promised."_

 _"Bella, I'm sorry. I know how much he meant to you-"Edward started taking a step towards her and she tensed._

 _"How much he means to me," she hissed._

 _"Bella, he's g-" he tried again and Bella sobbed loudly._

 _"Edward, just leave," Charlie said, and Edward looked like he was about to protest but then he glanced at Bella, who was pale and shaking, before nodding._

 _"I'll be back tomorrow," he said and when he left the room Bella fell into his arms sobbing._

 _Charlie managed to get her into bed and she stared at the ceiling._

 _Charlie helped her get her socks off and he and Carlisle are talking, worried voices a sort of background noise as Bella thinks and mumbles to herself. She should have never left his house, should have convinced him to hang out a while longer, should have told him she loved him one more time; now it's too late._

 _It's too late to tell him she loves him._

 _It's too late to change her mind._

 _It's too late to choose life over death…because her reason to want to live is gone._

 _She barely manages to lean over the side of the bed before she's throwing up. Immediately somebody is there, a hand supporting her so she won't fall off and another on the back of her neck, and a little later someone helps Bella wipe her mouth with a warm washcloth, and gives her something to drink to clear the taste out of her mouth._

 _"Are you okay, Bella?" Carlisle asks and Bella laughs and doesn't care that it hurts her throat._

 _"Your son just told me my best friend is dead," she said darkly. "I don't think I'll ever be 'okay' again."_

 _He starts talking to her but Bella refuses to listen._

 _Unless the next words to come out of his mouth are **"We made a mistake he was just sleeping,"** then she never wants to hear another word from anyone again._

* * *

"Damn it Jacob Black! Damn you for leaving me here alone! I hate you! Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!"

She broke down then, and the tears came as her body collapsed to the ground and she clawed at the dirt. Charlie's heart broke as she sobbed between her words.

"What am I going to do without you? How am I going to wake up every day knowing you aren't here? That while you were busy worrying about my heartbeats you let your own stop….I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

Charlie walked slowly in Bella's direction as she continued to shed tears. Her voice lowered to a whisper, and if he wasn't standing right next to her, he would have missed the words all together.

"I'd give up everything to have you back Jacob…The Wedding…Eternity…My Life…My Death….Everything…it means nothing without you. I should have chosen you. We could have lived in Forks for the rest of our lives and I would have been happy as long as I had you. I can't…I don't remember how to do this without you…I need you…I…I love you so much…"

The cemetery got darker and Charlie glanced up. Clouds were covering the sun and he felt a few drops of water hit his suit jacket. Tears filled Charlie's eyes as he squatted down next to Bella and placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn't acknowledge him at first, but his voice broke through her words.

"Bells…Bella, we need to go, it's starting to rain."

She looked away from the ground and at Charlie as if she was seeing him for the first time.

"Dad?"

He tried to smile, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Hey, come on, kiddo. Everyone's at Sam's house, we should get going."

She nodded, still crying silent tears that leaked down her cheeks, took his hand, and let him pull her up. He held her hand in his and led her away. The further they got from Jacob's grave the tighter she gripped his hand until it hurt so much that he almost let go.

When they were about ten feet away she stopped and Charlie frowned. He looked at her, she shook her head, and the rain started coming down harder.

"I can't…I can't leave him here."

"Bella…"

"No…you don't understand Dad…I can't leave him…Not Again….I feel…"

She put her hand to her chest and grabbed at it as the tears started again.

"I feel like I can't breathe…like the air…it's being sucked out of me…I can't do this…please…"

He pulled her against his chest as she shook her head. He rubbed her back as he spoke in a quiet voice.

"Shhh, it's going to be okay kiddo …you'll get through this…you'll see …"

The rain showered them, soaking through her dress and Charlie's suit, making her hair stick unpleasantly to her face but Bella didn't move. The only thing that mattered was that her best friend…her **_almost lover_** …one of the most important people in her life was dead… and she felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and buried along with him. Even with Charlie's arms around her she felt alone in the world…she had nothing left…Jacob was gone and he was never coming back…

 _And she'd have to life with that knowledge for the rest of her life…however long that might be…._

* * *

 **Author's note: This is my first Twilight story so please be gentle.**

 **Also, make sure to review. Tell me what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover**

 **Chapter Two: Death Is Only Sleeping with Your Eyes Open**

 ** _We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence._**

 ** _Joseph Roux_**

* * *

"I want to see him," she said to Carlisle.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Bella," Edward said, hovering behind her.

"I don't care," she said, firmly. "I **_NEED_** to see him."

Carlisle sighed and looked at Edward who nodded before moving out of the way.

"We'll be out here," Edward said.

Bella walked into Jacob's room and rested her hands on the edge of his bed, tears welling up in her eyes.

He looked like he was sleeping. He looked like he'd never been in a fight at all; except for the gaping hole in his side and the blood spilling over the side of the bed.

She touched his ice cold cheek, remembering the heated skin that once kept her warm through a winter storm. She hated him so much for doing this to her. For looking so alive even while dead.

But deep in her heart she knew he was dead the moment she told him her plans for the future.

* * *

 _"So for now you're still you," she said with a small smile._

 _Jacob chuckled._

 _"And you're still you," he said, with a smirk._

 _"Yeah," she hesitated, "Until graduation."_

 _And he looked at her like she killed him._

* * *

There was no way he was going to watch her die...he loved her too much for that.

She gave him one last kiss on his cold dead lips.

"I'm sorry, Jacob," she whispered.

 _But she knew that no amount of apologies would ever be enough to make this right._

* * *

 **Author's note: Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover**

 **Chapter Three: Whoever Said It's Impossible To Miss When You Never Had, Never Almost Had You.**

 ** _Forgive me for not being able to let go…I forgave you for not holding on._**

 ** _-Unknown_**

* * *

She stood in the doorway, watching him take apart his motorcycle. He knew she was there but he was ignoring her. She wondered if she should leave. He'd said he needed time and she'd planned to give it to him…but that was a week ago. She knew it wasn't fair. Nothing about this situation was fair.

She loved Edward.

She loved him so much that she was willing to die to be with him forever.

She loved him so much she was willing to marry him.

But she missed Jacob.

She missed him so much that it made her hands shake.

She missed him so much that it made her call for him in her sleep.

She needed to see him, and talk with him, and laugh with him, and hear him say her name. She needed it so much that she was afraid she'd lose her mind.

A part of her wondered if she already had.

She looked around the garage not surprised to see that nothing had changed. The crate she used to sit on was still in the corner. She made her way over and sat down waiting for him to acknowledge her. Even if it was only to tell her to leave.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, without looking at her.

"I missed you," she said, and his shoulders tensed.

He went back to working on the bike and with each piece he took apart another piece of her died.

"Why are you doing that?" she asked.

"In a few months, I won't need it anymore," he said, still not looking at her.

"Jacob, please," she whispered, not sure what else to say.

"Don't you have a wedding to plan?" Jacob asked and Bella flinched.

"I snuck out," she mumbled, and it wasn't exactly true.

Alice wanted her to help with the color scheme and she'd been on her way to the Cullens when instead she found herself here. She always found herself here but this was the first time she'd actually gotten out of the car.

"Good for you," Jacob replied, unenthusiastically.

"I don't know how to fix this," she said, desperate for something to hold on to him.

"Bella, it's not broken," Jacob said with a sigh as he dismantled the seat.

Bella said nothing. She just watched his hands as he worked. She always watched his hands. The way his long fingers curled around his tools, the same way a musician plays his instrument. Hands which were so strong, so powerful and yet so gentle, so soft. Those hands healed her when Edward left. Those hands carved the wolf charms she wore on her wrist. Those hands wrapped around her own and led her through the woods and across the beach. Those hands had cupped her cheeks when they kissed atop a snowy mountain. Those hands had held her fiercely and protectively after they saved her from the ocean. Those hands which had taught her to ride a motorcycle, and patched her up when she was injured. She loved his hands. She dreamed of those hands.

It was one of the reasons Edward stopped staying the night.

"If it's not broken, then what is it?" she asked quietly.

Jacob finally turned to look at her and she gasped. His eyes were filled with such a pain that it was heartbreaking.

"Jacob," she said softly, reaching out to touch him.

"It's done Bella," he said, moving out of her reach. "It's not broken because there's nothing there to fix! You made your choice now we both have to live with it."

"But why?" she asked, rising to her feet. "Why can't we just be friends until then?"

"It's too hard," Jacob said, running his fingers through his hair.

"It doesn't have to be! I won't mention Edward or the wedding! We'll just pretend things are how they've always been," she said urgently.

Jacob shook his head.

"I don't want to pretend with you, Bella. I want to have you! I want to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. I want to kiss you and not get punched in the face. I want more, Bella. I'm greedy and I'm selfish, Bella. I want it all! And no matter what you give me as long as you're planning to marry Edward and **_die_** ** _,_** it will never be enough!" he said, kicking the bike.

Bella stood there helpless. She wanted to hold him but she couldn't. She wanted to tell him that she loved him but she couldn't. _She_ was greedy. _She_ was selfish. And she was **_cruel_**.

"I'm sorry, Jacob," she said tenderly.

"I think you should go," he said, and Bella nodded.

"I'll be back tomorrow," she said.

Jacob looked at her like she struck him.

"Please, don't come back, Bella. I can't…" he trailed off.

Bella knew what she needed and she knew what she wanted.

"I'll be back tomorrow," she said, before leaving the garage.

And she came back the next day….and the next….and the next until one day Jacob stopped asking her to leave.

 _He started asking her to stay._

* * *

 **Author's note: PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover and the title is from Ben cocks So Cold.**

 **Chapter 4: You can hear me cry...See my dreams all die**

 ** _"Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last."_**

 ** _―_** ** _Kristin O'Donnell Tubb, The 13th Sign_**

* * *

Bella walked through the cemetery with a heavy heart. She passed a row of headstones, all of them marked, some of them adorned with flowers. She shivered at the cold, wondering if she should have brought some with her too.

Bella hadn't seen Jacob die. She'd only seen the body.

Jacob's body.

Dead and never to live again.

She remembered how she'd begged for death. Spent months chasing after it like it was this beautiful paradise when in truth it was an ugly thief. Bella had called for death, planned for it and had nearly succeeded, but hadn't, and now that Jacob was truly dead, not undead like she wanted to be, she knew he didn't want it.

 **Too late.**

A sharp pain in her palm alerted Bella to the world around her. She uncurled her hand to find that her nails had dug into her palm, leaving the skin stained with blood.

 _She stared at the blood and saw a pool of it on the bed around Jacob's body_ , and she choked on a sob.

Another sob echoed hers.

Bella took a deep breath and looked around, suddenly in the graveyard again. A man, around the same age as Charlie was kneeling by a grave. He sobbed as he placed a bouquet of roses at the base of the headstone.

 **Alyssa Monroe**

 **1987-2006**

 **Loving Daughter, Loyal Friend**

 **May She Rest In Peace**

Was that what she wanted for Charlie? For him to spend the rest of his days mourning his daughter, who was still walking, around unable to stop his grief?

She fell to her knees, brushing her fingers across Jacob's headstone leaving blood smeared on the stone.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry." She mumbled, and pulled her hand away as tears filled her eyes.

She started trying to wipe the blood off but it only seemed to grind the blood in deeper.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

 **"You're apologizing for bleeding?" a voice whispered in his ear. "It's just blood, Bella. No big deal."**

Bella whipped around but no one was there. Her heart beat faster, something Jacob always loved. She'd wanted it to stop beating once, only to realize that she didn't want to stop the only thing that Jacob ever wanted from her.

Something she could have given to him if only she weren't so stubborn.

Now it was too late.

She felt dizzy. The graves blurred in front of her eyes and her head felt light—

* * *

 _She had to hide her pain. Edward was constantly at her side and when he wasn't, Alice took his place. She helped pick out wedding cake, looked over the seating plan, and for a while she thinks she almost got away with it._

 _Until Alice made a comment that made the mask she built fall to her feet and shatter like a china plate._

 _"See, the dress would have been finished on time if you hadn't been so busy with that mutt," she said and Bella ripped the veil off the top off her head and threw it in Alice's face._

 _She stormed out of the room with tears of anger and pain spilling down her cheek_

* * *

She was laying on the cold ground, and the man a few headstones away was kneeling over her.

"Are you alright?" He asked and Bella couldn't answer.

Was she okay? It didn't feel like it. How could she be alright when the reason her heart was still beating was buried six feet under ground and it was all her fault?

Her breath hitched.

It was all her fault.

Everything was her fault.

 ** _It should have been her._**

 ** _It should have been her._**

 ** _It should have been her._**

"Hang on sweetie. I'm going to go get help," the man said, leaving.

She didn't know what to do.

She didn't want to keep hanging on….she wanted to let go.

She allowed the cemetery to dissolve into blackness and opened them to blank white walls that she recognized from the hospital.

"Bells, are you alright?" Charlie asked and she broke down.

"Bells," Jacob called, with a smile.

She squeezed her eyes tightly closed, her hand playing with the ring on her finger until she felt the tears tracking down her cheeks. Then she brought them to her face.

"I thought I could do this-" She started, "I thought could handle this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I can't… ** _don't be_** … ** _don't be dead."_**

It hurt, all of this hurt.

"I can't do this, Dad," she wept.

Her engagement ring fell to the floor.

* * *

 **Reviews are welcome :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover**

 **Chapter Five: You Lied As You Kissed My Lips Goodbye**

 ** _Don't you see, don't you see, that the charade is over? And all the Best Deceptions and Clever Cover Story awards go to you. So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you._**

 ** _Dashboard Confessional_**

* * *

They were partying on beach at a bonfire. The beach was strewn with joyful laughter and careful steps. Couples grasped each other's hands as they danced across the sand, hiding their faces in the other's neck and intertwining their fingers. Bella watched it all from her perch as a girl asked Jacob to dance.

She was a pretty girl. Long dark hair and pretty tan skin. She was smiling and whispering things in Jacob's ear that made him laugh while she hung off his arm.

Bella felt a dark emotion coil in her stomach but she looked down at her hands watching how the fire made the diamonds of her engagement ring glow a flaming orange. A small part of her wanted to throw it into the fire. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her head against her knees.

Why did it hurt so much to see him with somebody else? Wasn't this what she wanted? For him to move on and forget about her?

"Bella,"

She looked up as Jacob kneeled in front of her, placing a hand on her knees. He looked into her eyes, the intensity of his gaze reflecting the flames leaping a few feet away.

"Come, take a walk with me," Jacob said.

Bella hesitated. She promised Edward that she'd meet his friends who were coming in from Alaska today and she needed to get going but….Jacob held out his hand and she took it.

He led her a bit away from the fire and she let him lead the way and they continued to hold hands as they walked. It seemed like they were always touching, even when they were sitting around doing nothing, they were touching. It was like if they were not touching, then one of them would disappear and they'd never see each other again. Maybe it's because their time was running out. Sometimes he would just hold her in his arms and listen to her heart beat or they would hang out in the garage, or snuggle on the couch, or hang out on the beach until it was time for her to go back to Edward.

Sometimes she wished she could crawl inside him and hide from the world…but she'd never tell him that.

"So, you're still marrying Edward?" Jacob asked, interrupting the comfortable silence.

"Yes," she said, quietly.

Jacob nodded.

He looked down at their joined hands and sighed before letting go.

"Bella, what am I to you?" he asked.

She stared at him, hurt written across her face.

"Jacob, don't do this," she begged, knowing where this was going.

"If you love him so much then why do you keep coming back to me?" he asked, not angry.

He never got angry anymore.

"Because…" she trailed off.

"Why?" he asked again.

"Because I need you," she whispered.

Jacob looked away and stared at the setting sun.

"I need you too, Bella. More than you know," he said and she reached out for his hand again.

"Jacob, I…" she wasn't sure what the right thing to say was.

"I try to stay away from you," she admitted. "Every day I tell myself that this will be the last time. I say that I'll let you go but I can't."

Jacob looked at her with mournful eyes.

"Every day I tell myself this is the day I'll tell you to go away and mean it," Jacob said, squeezing her hand.

The waves crashed on to the beach, soaking through her shoes as he looked into her eyes.

"I love you," he said softly as his voice broke, and he closed his eyes as tears spilled down his cheeks.

"I love you too," she said and the sobs came up from deep within her as she cried, her heart breaking.

"But it's not enough, is it?" Jacob asked.

"I'm so sorry," her voice broke and she laid her head on his chest, her tears soaking his shirt.

"So am I, Bella," he mumbled, holding her so tightly that she wondered if she'd break when he let her go.

"Goodbye, Bella," Jacob said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

Bella wasn't ready to say goodbye. She grabbed his face and pulled his face down to meet hers. She kissed him desperately, wanting to crush him into her, to feel his heart pressed so close to hers. She wanted more.

They kissed for a long time that night, pulling away for air, only to return to each other a few seconds later. It was their way of saying goodbye.

And when she drove home, she told herself she'd made the right decision.

They promised that this would be the last time they saw each other.

 _It was a promise that they couldn't keep._

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover.**

 **Chapter 6: When It All Falls Down**

 ** _This planet is a broken bone that didn't set right, a hundred pieces of crystal glued together. We've been shattered and reconstructed, told to make an effort every single day to pretend we still function the way we're supposed to. But it's a lie, it's all a lie."  
― Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me_**

* * *

"Bella, I don't understand," Edward said, looking at the ring she placed back in his hands with a hurt expression.

"I can't marry you," Bella said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Bella, do you love me?" Edward asked, and Bella nodded.

"I do love you Edward," she replied, because that wasn't the problem.

"Then why? Whatever the problem is we can work it out," he assured her.

"I can't marry you. I don't want that life anymore," she said and Edward flinched.

"This is because of him, isn't it?" Edward asked, his voice cold.

Bella could only nod.

"Bella, he's dead," Edward said, gripping her shoulders.

"I can't marry you…it wouldn't be fair," She said.

"Fair to who?" Edward asked.

"To you…To him…To me. I can't marry you when I'm feeling like this," Bella stated.

"You're just grieving. You'll change your mind in a few weeks," Edward said, looking hopeful.

Bella shook her head.

"I'm not going to change my mind, Edward. I can't marry you. This isn't going to go away. I lost something Edward. Something I can never get back." Bella's face was open and vulnerable.

"Bella, please," Edward started.

"I'm broken, Edward. I'm barely holding myself together," Bella whispered as she crumpled into sobs.

Edward started to hold her but she stepped away from his embrace.

"I love him. I can't stop loving him and no amount of time is going to change that. I'm sorry," Bella said and his eyes closed in acceptance.

She felt his pain as her own, deepened by the fact that it was given to him by her.

"I understand," Edward said, turning away from her.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I never meant to hurt you," she sniffed.

"Be happy, Bella," Edward said, walking out the door.

Bella sighed, wiping her eyes, and sending a glance to the dream catcher hanging above her bed.

"I don't think that's possible anymore," she whispered to an empty room.

* * *

 **Please review. I'm sorry for the short chapters.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover**

 **Chapter Seven: Isn't It Enough?**

 ** _If you want to build a relationship. Take trust as your bricks. And patience as your cement._** ** _Just love_** ** _is not enough..._**

 ** _-unknown_**

* * *

She knew this was wrong.

She promised herself that she wouldn't see him anymore. There was no point in her continued visits. She loved Edward and she was going to marry him.

But….

She observed him, wondering if he'd changed any in the month that she'd last seen him. She had parked her truck somewhere nearby and walked the rest of the way not wanting to alert him to her presence.

She just wanted to see him.

Just one more time.

He wasn't in the garage when she peeked.

He wasn't in his room when she peeked through the window.

She sighed, realizing that she missed her chance to see him today. She turned around, planning to head home and bumped into someone.

She fell to the ground and looked up into the laughing face of Jacob.

"This isn't what it looks like," she blurted.

Jacob smirked.

"So, you weren't looking through my bedroom window like a peeping Tom?" Jacob asked, raising an eyebrow.

Bella blushed, and rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly.

"Okay, it's exactly what it looks like," she mumbled, looking at his feet.

Jacob chuckled, shaking his head and reached down to help her up.

Once on her feet, Bella looked him over, surprised by how different he looked. His hair was longer, closer to the length it had been before his change and he seemed to have gotten taller. But the biggest difference was his eyes.

The pain in those eyes; raw and piercing, and miserable with a hint of desperation to them that she hadn't seen before.

"Jacob?" she questioned and Jacob smiled but it still didn't reach his eyes.

"What's up, Bells?" he questioned, still holding her hand and Bella started to pull away but he held firm.

"Jacob, let go," she urged and Jacob hesitated.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking down at their joined hands with such a pained expression that it took her breath away.

"I just wanted to see you," she admitted, quietly. "I wasn't going to bother you. I just…" she trailed off unable to explain it.

Jacob let go of her hand and the space between them felt as big as the ocean.

"You just wanted one last look at what you were giving up," Jacob accused, bitterly.

Bella was quiet.

Jacob laughed darkly.

"You're really not going to change your mind, are you?" Jacob asked, but it was more of a statement than a question.

Bella stared into his eyes wishing that she could lie to him.

Jacob laughed harder.

"You need me, Bella… and you may even love me… but you don't care about me," Jacob drawled and Bella started to protest, but Jacob continued before she could draw the breath to speak.

"You're choosing your love for Edward over everything else. What about Charlie? What about your mom? What about your friends…the human ones? Have you even thought this through?" Jacob hissed, angrily.

"I have thought about it!" Bella shouted. "But as long as I have Edward none of that other stuff matters!"

"That other stuff is everything!" Jacob bellowed. Then he took a deep breath and calmed himself.

"You know what Bella? I'm not doing this," he declared, walking away from her.

"Jacob," she called, but he didn't turn around.

She followed him into his room, where he was sitting on his bed, reading a magazine

"Jacob, don't do this," she begged.

"Do what?" Jacob grumbled, turning a page.

"Please don't shut me out," she pleaded. "You're my best friend. Please don't make me do this alone."

"But you're not alone. You have Edward, don't you? Isn't that enough?" he said, not looking up from the car magazine he was reading.

She paused.

"Yes, but that's different," she mumbled.

"Why?" Jacob interrogated.

"He's not you," she answered automatically.

"Well, you don't want me so-" Jacob trailed off with a shrug.

"Jacob please," she choked, and Jacob threw down the magazine.

"Bella, stop! Please just-" he broke off and stared at her.

Bella stared back wondering what was wrong.

Jacob made his way over to her and cupped her face.

"If I begged you, I mean literally got down on my knees and begged you would you change your mind?" Jacob offered.

Bella shook her head.

"If I said that if you marry him I'll run away and never come back then what?" Jacob threatened.

"I'd be sad but…" her voice trailed away and Jacob nodded.

He stared at her for a few seconds in silent contemplation.

"I wish…I wish…I wish you were mine," He said, quietly.

"I am yours," Bella assured him, her voice just as soft as his. "Just not in the way you want me to be."

"Why are you choosing Edward?" he grilled.

"Because I love him," Bella said.

"That's it?" Jacob probed.

"What more is there?" she asked, confused by the sudden skeptical tone in his voice.

"There's companionship and trust and excitement. You really expect your love for Edward to sustain you for the next thousand years?" Jacob stormed.

Bella nodded, unsure, but not willing to admit it.

"You're only 18, Bella. You're not even old enough to drink yet, but you've decided who you're going to love for the rest of your life?" Jacob quizzed.

"You're barely only 17 and you're claiming to love me. What's the difference?" she asked, irritated.

"The difference? The difference is that I love you, Bella! There's nobody else in my heart. I have no other options but you do! You have me!" Jacob growled.

"But I love him more!" she cried.

"How do you know?" Jacob inquired. "How do you know you love him most?"

"I just do!" she said and Jacob sighed.

"Why are we arguing?" Jacob wondered out loud.

"I don't know," Bella confessed and sat down on the bed.

Jacob sat down next to her and stared at his hands.

"I don't think I can do this, Bella," Jacob muttered. "This month has been hard…I missed you,"

"I missed you too,"

Jacob stared at her lips.

"I want to kiss you," he revealed.

Bella bit her lip.

"That's not a good idea," she cautioned.

"I know," Jacob acknowledged. "But I still want to."

Jacob leaned forward until he was just inches from her lips then pulled away. Bella blushed, her heart racing.

"I want to hold you in my arms and never let go," Jacob sighed.

Bella wrapped her arms around herself.

"I want that too," she mumbled.

"I want to make love to you and cover every inch of your body in marks so that no one would ever doubt that you're mine," he groaned, clenching his fist.

"Jake," Bella gasped, shocked by the sudden confession.

"I don't want to marry you," he broke in and Bella was puzzled.

"I know that you don't believe in marriage and I would have been content to spend the rest of our lives together in body and soul, even if not by name," Jacob breathed the words into her mind.

Bella forced herself to meet his gaze, letting him get this out of his system.

"What else do you want?" she gulped.

Jacob smiled.

"You…I just want you," he declared and Bella let out an unsteady breath.

"Is that everything?" she questioned, ready to leave.

She couldn't take this. It was too much and it made her heart long for things that she shouldn't want.

Jacob brushed his heated fingers across her cheek.

"I want you to **_want_** to choose me," Jacob replied.

Bella had to look away.

"Bella," Jacob chided, lifting her chin.

She stared at him with shiny eyes.

"Can I kiss you?" he inquired, and she hesitated before nodding.

His eyes focused on her lips again and as they kissed Jacob nudged Bella's mouth open and began slowly exploring the inside of it. After finally pulling away, Jacob smiled and asked her if Edward ever kissed her like that.

Bella didn't say anything. She was still too fragile… **too human** for Edward to be able to kiss her like that.

Jacob took her head in his hands, his fingers burying themselves in her hair, and gave her another slow kiss that made her toes tingle.

She pulled away to catch her breath.

"I should go," she said, and Jacob nodded and kissed the small bit of flesh at the base of her throat.

Bella's breath caught in her chest.

"I really, really need to go," Bella said, but didn't make any move to leave.

The only response she received was another soft kiss. Dark eyes, exposed and sincere, stared into hers.

"Do you still want me to let you go?" he taunted and Bella couldn't get her mouth to form the words.

Jacob's lips were on hers again as he skillfully opened her mouth, her soul, her heart and it's more painful than falling off her motorcycle. It hurt. It hurt in a way Bella didn't want to feel. And as Jacob gently kissed her throat, her cheeks, her eye lids, before falling back to her lips, tears began to fill her eyes.

There was no evading Jacob's gaze, Jacob's touch, Jacob's love. And she wanted it, all of it.

But…

Jacob pulled away and smiled.

"I can love you Bella. For as long as you want me to. Please, Bella, don't go," Jacob pleaded, and the tears finally fell from her eyes.

"I can't," she whispered, this was beautiful but it wouldn't last.

Jacob was _temporary_ …He could imprint or eventually grow out of love with her.

Edward was **forever** …once she was a vampire she'd never be alone.

The silence between them was deafening. And the tears continued to fall from her eyes but Jacob looked cold.

His eyes hardened and he moved away from her.

"Well, then I hope **_just_** love is enough for you Bella," Jacob hissed, running out of the house.

Bella chased after him wanting to explain but he phased and disappeared into the trees.

 _How could she know that would be the last time she ever saw him?_

* * *

 **Please review**


	8. Chapter 8

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover**

 **Chapter Eight: Today I Saw Somebody Who Looked Just Like You.**

 ** _Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell._**

 ** _-Edna St Vincent Millay_**

* * *

Without Edward, Bella felt no need to disguise her pain. She didn't have to pretend to be happy or fake a smile. She didn't even have to leave the house. Weeks went by and Charlie looked drained but he didn't try to force her to move on.

This wasn't a bad break up…someone had died.

Edward must have been busy because Bella started receiving college acceptance letters for schools she hadn't even applied to. Each time one came in the mail Charlie would send a hopeful look in her direction and Bella wouldn't be able to meet his eyes.

She had no intention of even thinking about going to college.

She didn't want to think about it because thinking about it meant thinking about a future **_without Jacob_** …

It was too horrible to contemplate.

She went to visit Billy once. He'd told her that she could go look Jacob's room and see if there was anything she wanted to take with her to remember him by…But being inside the room where he died hurt too much. All she took with her were a few pictures and a shirt that Jacob hadn't gotten around to throwing in the laundry. It still smelled like him and she started wearing it when she went to sleep just to be closer to him.

There were times when she woke up in the dead of night, heart pounding, with Jacob's voice in her head laughing with such joy and life that she would almost think he was in the room. Then Edward's voice would remind her that Jacob was gone and never coming back. She didn't know which one of the voices she hated more.

"This is not fair…I need you to be here," she whispered, burying her face in the shirt.

On those nights she left her bed, and fell asleep on the couch with the television playing in the background. Then Charlie would wake her up in the morning and force her to eat something. It felt like she was living in a time loop.

"Bella, you need to eat," Charlie said, after she took a single bite of her toast then pushed it away.

"I'm not hungry," she mumbled, staring despondently into her bowl of oatmeal.

"Bella, you've got to stop this." Charlie said and Bella forced herself to take a few more bites of her breakfast.

"I'm fine," she said stiffly.

"Jacob wouldn't have wanted this for you-" Charlie started, and Bella got up from the table.

"How would you know what he wanted? Were you there to hear his final words? No! So, don't tell me what Jacob would have wanted for me!" Bella growled, her cheeks flushed in anger, before leaving the table.

"Don't walk away from me!" Charlie called but she didn't turn around to face him.

"I want to be alone!" she yelled, slamming her door.

An hour later she came down and apologized to Charlie and promised to do something that day. A trip to the supermarket was what she settled on. It was simple and there were no memories of Jacob there.

She was in the milk aisle when she saw a familiar figure picking up bread. He had his back to her but she would recognize him anywhere.

"Jacob," she said softly and the man turned, walking further down the aisle…and further away from her.

"Jacob!" she yelled happily and ran after the man, grabbing his arm and turning him around to face her.

"I knew you couldn't be dead! I knew it was all a big mistak-" she trailed off taking in the bright green eyes staring back at her.

"Can I help you?" the man asked, confused.

He could have been Jacob's twin. Same haircut, same face, same build, all except for those eyes. Those weren't the dark brown eyes that touched her soul. Her heart stopped beating and her eyes immediately filled with tears that blurred her vision. She brushed them away with the back of her hand and the man stared at her concerned.

"Are you okay, Ma'am?" he asked and she wrapped her arms around him crying.

"No," she cried, and the man hesitantly hugged her back.

If she closed her eyes she could almost imagine it was Jacob holding her.

"I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't choose you…I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me…I'm sorry that I didn't love you enough when I had the chance," she blubbered and the man shifted uncomfortably and started to push her away and her breath caught in her throat; she couldn't keep the tears from coming as she buried her face against in his chest

"Miss," the man said uneasily. "Can you let me go now?"

"I can't." Bella felt wretched and torn. "I can't do this. I can't lose you again."

The man, realizing she wasn't going to let go of him anytime soon, started to rub her back.

"It'll be okay," he said and she noticed his voice was different from Jacob's.

She closed her eyes tightly. The shame creeping in.

This was how low she had fallen...Crying her eyes out while wrapped around a complete stranger.

 _At least he was warm._

* * *

 **Please review**


	9. Chapter 9

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover**

 **Chapter Nine: Was There Anything I Could Have Said Or Done?**

 ** _"The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see-the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life."_**

 ** _―_** ** _Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits_**

* * *

After the incident at the supermarket she apologized to the stranger and ran out of the market, leaving behind her groceries, without looking back. There was something wrong with her. Something significant was missing and she didn't know what it was. Maybe it died with Jacob… like all her hopes and her plans.

 _"But you're not dead, are you?"_ the little voice, which sounded heartbreakingly similar to Jacob, whispered in her ear.

 **"** **The dead don't feel pain, Bella,"** the other voice, the Edward voice added.

"But I do," Bella said to herself, placing a hand over her heart. "Pain is all I feel."

She was stuck in that moment, when she let Jacob run from her – too stubborn to stay, too spineless to go after him, and now she would never, ever see him again.

Never hear him say her name.

Never touch him again,

Never hug him again,

Never see him smile again,

Never tell him that she loved him again,

Never tell him she was sorry,

Never know if he forgave her,

Never have a chance to say Goodbye.

Bella didn't realize she was still crying until she went to take a breath and found her throat closed and choking, her chest shuddering with the weight of her tears.

She fell to her knees in the middle of the sidewalk arms wrapped tightly around her chest in a pointless effort to hold herself together. She wondered if there was a psychic who could contact Jacob's sprit and ask him if this was what he wanted from her….

 _No._

Maybe there was another way. Maybe there was a vampire out there with the special ability to bring back the dead. She just needed to call the Cullens and ask...

 _No._

Maybe she could find some other option. Maybe the Volturi...

 _No._

Maybe she should just marry Edward. At least she wouldn't be alone anymore...

 ** _NO._**

A warm hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her madness. She looked up to find the stranger from earlier standing there awkwardly.

"Hi," he said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

Bella stared at him.

"Umm…So you left this," he said, gesturing to the bag of groceries at his feet.

She continued to stare and he shuffled his feet.

"I paid for them and…um…I was wondering if you needed a ride home?" he asked.

Bella blinked and the man smiled nervously.

"Why?" she asked.

The guy shrugged.

"You just look a little…" he trailed off trying to find a word to describe her.

Which word would fit her at the moment, Bella wondered.

Crazy?

Sad?

Pathetic?

"Lost," he finally settled on.

Was she lost? She didn't think so. She had lost so much in the last few months but was she herself lost?

"Here," the man called her attention back to him and held out a hand to help her up.

She stared at the hand, remembering all the times Jacob held out his hand to her and she pulled away.

 _What? I can't hold your hand?_

 _It just…means something else to you than it does to me._

She hesitated for a second before gripping his hand tightly and rising to her feet.

"Come on," he said, picking up the bag. "I'll take you home."

…..

After that weird encounter, Bella stopped leaving the house. Charlie tried talking to her, but at least in her room she could lay in bed wearing Jacob's shirt and pretend that nothing had changed.

Pretend that if she called Billy's house then Jacob would answer the phone.

Pretend that if she went to his house then he'd be there waiting for her with a hug and a smile.

 **"Bella, he's gone,"** the Edward voice whispered.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up…." She covered her ears mumbling to herself.

When she went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, she disgusted herself with how pathetic she looked.

She was pale from lack of sun, ironic, since she lived in a city where it was always raining. She was skinny from never finishing her food. Her eyes were always red and puffy from all the crying she was doing, and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in a month.

If Jacob were here, no doubt he would laugh at Bella for _'sulking'_ and drag her off on some sort of dangerous adventure that would make her smile and feel alive.

But Jacob wasn't there.

And he was never going to be **_'there'_** again.

She knew that she should get up, pull herself together, and go – ** _do something_** \- but she didn't see the point.

There was nowhere to go from here. She couldn't go to La Push - not because she knew some of the people blamed her for what happened - but because Jacob was gone, and she knew she could not bear the pain of going there without him.

She couldn't go to the Cullens house – they had left town shortly after Bella called off the wedding and Bella didn't feel like calling them to find out where they'd gone.

She couldn't call up her human friends- they all had lives and were busy with college or whatever else they had decided to do.

"Bella, he's not coming back. You have to start living," Charlie said.

Bella smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes.

"I'm fine," she said, playing with the wolf charm on her bracelet.

"No, Bells. You're not. You're in denial and that's not healthy. You need to move on," Charlie said and Bella flinched.

"I can't…I don't…No," she shook her head.

"Bella," Charlie took a step toward her.

"There's no such thing as moving on. That's a lie. Moving on, letting go? That's just another way of saying that I should forget him and **_I can't_** ," Bella growled, gripping the charm so hard that it cracked.

She looked at her wrist in horror.

"No," she cried, then ran up to her room slamming the door.

* * *

 _"You have to let me go," Jacob said, holding her in his arms._

 _"I can't," Bella pleaded for him to understand. "I need you. I don't know what to do without you."_

 _"But I'm not_ _ **with you**_ _, Bella. I'm dead," Jacob said and blood started leaking out of his side._

* * *

"No!" Bella screamed in her sleep and Charlie rushed into the room, turning on the light, gently shaking her awake.

"You're alright, Bells," he sang softly. "You're okay."

Her eyes opened, tears streaming down her cheeks.

He didn't know what to do, so he handed her a glass of water from her bedside table and helped her sit up. She drank the water greedily.

"Bella, it's time," Charlie said, touching the bracelet on her wrist.

Bella nodded.

"I know," she lied.

 _She wasn't ready to let go yet_

* * *

 ** _Please review!_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and chapter title from RyanDan-Tears Of An Angel**

 **Chapter Ten: It Can't Be True That I'm Losing You; The Sun Cannot Fall From The Sky**

 ** _"But when I do feel all the strength go out of me, and I fall to my knees beside the table and I think I cry, then, or at least I want to, and everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more."_**

 ** _―_** ** _Veronica Roth, Allegiant_**

* * *

"What did you do to yourself?" Charlie asked, staring at her horrified.

Bella didn't even glance up from her book, **_"Mechanics for Dummies."_**

"It's not that big of a deal," she said, casually.

Charlie was still staring at her like she was a freak or something.

"Is this you acting out? Because-" Charlie started and Bella rolled her eyes.

"It's just hair," she mumbled.

So she dyed her hair black. It's not like she cut it off or anything.

"Bella, are you okay?" Charlie asked and Bella gritted her teeth.

"No," she hissed. "I'm not **_'okay'_** …but I'm trying,"

She was wearing Jacob's shirt, reading a book on how to fix mechanics and her hair was black. She couldn't get it the exact color or get that shine that his had but it still helped just a little. She'd wasn't wearing her wolf charm anymore. She didn't want to take a chance on it breaking completely.

Bella applied to the University of Florida. She wasn't sure what her major was going to be or what she was going to do once she got there but it got Charlie off her back for a while. Bella grabbed her jacket and walked past her truck; she never drove anywhere anymore.

Every time she touched it, all she could hear was Jacob in her head explaining to her how to drive it.

 _"_ _Okay, so you got to double pump the clutch when you shift, but-"_

It was best she didn't touch it.

Bella waved at her neighbors who sent her worried glances and stopped briefly to talk to Mrs. Newton about how Mike was doing at college. She laughed at the right moments and for a few people believe she was fine…but inside there was a dark emotion stirring.

Looking at the people in town and how normal everything was just made her angry.

How could the children laugh when someone died?

How could people smile when Jacob couldn't?

Why wasn't the world falling apart at the seams like she was?

She continued to smile but her fists were clenched so tightly that her bones were grinding together.

This was wrong.

She started running.

Faster…faster…she had to get away.

She wasn't sure where she was going but she couldn't stop…and she didn't have to.

She found her arm being grabbed and she turned around.

"Whoa, slow down, Bella," Angela said and Bella didn't even know she was back in town.

"Hi Angela," she greeted her, not wanting to be rude.

"Where are you going?" Angela questioned and Bella shrugged.

"I've got to be somewhere," she lied.

"Well, don't rush. The sun's shining and the sky's blue, when has the weather ever been this perfect?" Angela asked, smiling.

Bella looked up seeing a dark gray cloudy sky.

"The sun is dead and buried. There's only rain," Bella stated, with a forced smile and walked off before Angela could reply.

A couple drove by on a motorcycle and Bella frowned.

 _Jacob revved his engine, grinning. She jumped on the back of his seat, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist._

 _"Hold on," Jacob shouted and she hid her face in his back as he sped down the highway._

Bella sighed and made her way home.

"If I offered you my heart would you come and get it?" Bella asked, and a breeze brushed past her almost like a gentle caress.

She didn't cry.

She was done crying.

It wasn't going to fix anything…it wasn't going to bring Jacob back…nothing was.

She looked up at the sky ignoring the people walking around her.

"Are you happy now?" she shouted. "I'm here, I'm human. My heart's still beating. Everything you ever wanted, right?"

There was no answer.

Bella laughed loud and bitter.

"That's what I thought," she said, walking away from the nervous people who were staring at her like she was insane.

She was done being sad. She was done with everything.

All she had left was her rage and all she wanted was to let it out. Let it burn everything to the ground.

 _This world deserved no less._

* * *

 ** _Please review!_**


	11. Chapter 11

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and chapter title from Breathe (Until Tomorrow) by Paramore**

 **Chapter Eleven: Breathe For Love Tomorrow/Cause There's No Hope for Today**

 ** _"It doesn't get better," I said. "The pain. The wounds scab over and you don't always feel like a knife is slashing through you. But when you least expect it, the pain flashes to remind you you'll never be the same."_**

 ** _―_** ** _Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits_**

* * *

 _"Bella, I love you," he whispered in her ear._

 _She smiled and buried her face in his side, looking at the kids run around the yard._

 _"I'm so glad I chose you," she sighed, and looked down at the ring on her finger._

 _It was a simple and handmade one that he carved for her out of the log that they sat on at First Beach. She had been sad to see the tree go but what she gained was so much more._

 _"Mommy!" her little girl called, running towards her._

 _Bella caught her in her arms, laughing as they spun around._

 _"What is it, baby?" Bella asked, looking at her perfect child._

 _Sarah, they named her after Jacob's mom. She looked so much like her father with her long dark hair, and her russet skin but she had Bella's nose and her lips._

 _"Tell Jolon that I'm not imaginary," Sarah whined and Bella felt herself pale._

 _"What?" she mumbled, feeling cold._

 _Jolon, her son who looked more like her than his sister with her brown hair and her eyes, pulled on the end of her skirt._

 _"Tell Sarah that this is just a dream," Jolon demanded and Bella started sweating._

 _"No…this can't be," she muttered and turned to face her husband._

 _Jacob stared at her with an unreadable expression._

 _"Jacob," she begged and Jacob shook his head._

 _"Look inside your ring," he stated and Bella put Sarah down so she could see._

 _Engraved in the inside of her ring were the words_ _ **'Until my heart stops beating.'**_

 _She dropped the ring and Jacob grabbed her hand, placing it over his chest._

 _"Feel that?" he asked and Bella shook her head._

 _"I don't feel anything," she mumbled._

 _Jacob gave her a sad look._

 ** _"Exactly."_**

* * *

Bella let out a slow breath as her eyes opened and she stared at the ceiling not even trying to get out of bed. This was the tenth time she had that dream. She glanced at her alarm clock seeing she still had 4 more hours before Charlie came to wake her for breakfast.

"Fuck," she cursed, and slammed her fist on the mattress.

This wasn't fair.

She got out of bed and went to her window gazing into the yard. She could almost picture Jacob out there, waiting for her to let him in. Bella blinked and he was gone.

"Bella," Charlie called from behind her and she turned her to face him.

"What are you doing?" he questioned and Bella shrugged.

"Trying to figure out why this all matters," she said emotionlessly.

"Bella, you can't give up. Things will get better," Charlie tried to reassure her and Bella glared at him.

"When?" she asked. "When will it better, Charlie? When will it stop hurting when I think about him? When will I stop seeing him everywhere I go? When will it end?" she demanded and Charlie had no answer.

"You may see a light at the end of this ugly ass tunnel but I don't!" she yelled. "And I can't keep waking up every morning with this false hope that he'll be here when I open my eyes."

Charlie started to say something but she brushed past him and left the room, grabbing her keys off the dresser as she went. Charlie chased after her but she was in her truck speeding out the driveway before he could reach her. This was the first time she had been in her truck sense the funeral.

 _"Sometimes...I feel like, I'm going to disappear."_

 _"You're not going to lose yourself. I won't let that happen."_

 _"How?"_

Bella started hitting the steering wheel and cursing herself.

He knew.

He had to have known.

She hated him for not fighting harder for life. She hated Edward for coming back and ruining things. But most of all, she hated herself for not seeing this coming.

….

She was standing on the edge of a cliff. The same cliff that she had jumped off a few months ago in hopes of hearing Edward's voice. Jacob had been the one to save her then.

Who would save her now?

She looked down and saw the waves crashing against the cliff. Was this really what she wanted?

 _"Look, do you mind saving the stupid stuff for when I'm around? I won't be able to concentrate if I think you're jumping off cliffs behind my back."_

But he wasn't around to do stupid stuff with anymore. He wasn't around to patch her up or tell her that I was being an idiot.

He wasn't around to hold her back.

Unable to think anymore, she jumped.

She thought she would feel something once she was falling in the air. But instead she felt numb. There was no high. There was no fear. She felt nothing.

Until she hit the water.

It was like getting hit by a car and a stinging pain spread across her whole body, taking her breath away. The water was so cold that it felt like spikes stabbing into her skin. She didn't fight the current as she sank underneath.

 **She standing on top of the snowy mountain staring at the back of the man she lost.**

 **"Is it really you?" she asked, her voice breaking.**

 **"I knew you'd come, Bella," he said, glancing back at her over his shoulder.**

 **"Jacob," she whispered his name like a prayer.**

 **"You're hopeless, you know that," he stated with a chuckle and started to walk away.**

 **"Jacob…Jacob!" she tried to chase after him.**

 **Jacob paused at the edge of the mountain and looked down into the nothingness below. He turned around to face her with a loving look on his face.**

 **"Bella, do you want to come with me?" he asked, holding out his hand.**

 **"Yes, more than anything," she cried. "I don't know how to live without you,"**

 **Jacob's eyes were sad and filled with such longing that Bella's chest ached.**

 **"You know the story in the Bible?" Jacob asked suddenly, pulling back his hand "The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?"**

 **Bella looked confused.**

 **"You asked me this before. It's King Solomon," she answered, wondering what that had to do with anything.**

 **"That's right. King Solomon," he repeated. "And he said, cut the kid in half... but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it."**

 **"I told you, I remember," she said, agitated.**

 **He gave her a wistful look. "I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella."**

 **"Why does this sound like goodbye?" she asked, dazed.**

 **Jacob turned away from her. "Because it is," he confessed then stepped off the edge.**

 **"No!" Bella cried.**

 **She reached out for him and-** started coughing up her lungs.

"Breathe, you idiot!" a familiar angry voice yelled, and then there was a hard hand pounding on her chest.

"Jacob," she croaked, unable to open her eyes because they were gummed together with saltwater.

"Wrong again, Ariel," Paul sneered and Bella felt stupid.

"You know, everyone's getting sick and tired of having to rescue you from your own stupidity," he said, as he lifted her up and Bella groaned.

Why did he have to save her?

"Just leave me alone," she snapped, her voice still raspy from swallowing half of the ocean and coughing it all back up.

She tried to leave but Paul caught her by the arm.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Paul asked, gripping her arm so tight that it hurt.

"It's all I have," she admitted, a mixture of water and tears sliding down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

Paul didn't look in the mood to be forgiving.

"Were you trying to get yourself killed?" Paul asked and Bella didn't answer.

Her silence was answer enough.

Paul laughed and Bella stared at him in shock.

"I don't believe this," Paul gasped out. "That idiot gave his life for nothing."

Bella's hand shot out before she could stop it and Paul caught her wrist. Her other hand came up and he caught that one to. Bella stared up at him with tear-filled eyes and Paul stared down at her with a cold gaze.

"You're pathetic," he whispered and Bella nodded.

"I'm just so angry and tired and sad. It's like those are the only emotions I have and then when I'm not angry I'm numb. I just wanted to feel something!" she admitted.

Paul continued to stare at her for a moment then sighed.

"Pathetic," he mumbled, before crushing his lips to hers.

Bella stayed frozen for a moment before she started kissing him back desperately. It was wrong but if she didn't look at him she could almost imagine in was Jacob kissing her.

"Why'd you kiss me?" she questioned and Paul shrugged.

"I'm not the best at moral support or healthy behavior but I do know something about anger," he stated with a grin. "And sex is an excellent distraction."

Bella stared at him, amazed with his shamelessness.

"I'm not offering," Paul informed her. "I have a girl now who'd probably kill me."

Bella frowned. So kissing someone other than his girlfriend was okay?

"Don't give me that look. There wasn't anything sexual or romantic in that kiss. It was a pity kiss," Paul scoffed and Bella really wanted to punch him.

"You're a jerk," she snarled, and Paul smirked.

"So I've been told," he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Now let's get you back to your daddy so he can take care of you."

Bella tried to remain stiff but Paul's heat made her relax and brought back memories.

"But I'll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you. Even when I close my eyes and try to see something else. Ask Quil or Embry. It drives them all crazy."

"Can you do me a favor?" she asked, and Paul sent her a curious look.

That's how Bella ended up driving home with bottle of tequila hidden under her seat.

 _Anything to kill the pain._

* * *

 **Please review and let me know what you think!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and chapter title from Come Wake me up by Rascal Flatts**

 **Chapter 12: I Can Usually Drink You Right Off Of My Mind, But I Miss You Tonight… I Can Normally Push You Right Out Of My Heart, but I'm Too Tired to Fight**

 ** _"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."_**

 ** _―_** ** _Elisabeth Kübler-Ross_**

* * *

 _"I'm giving you your freedom," he shouted._

 _"I don't want my freedom! I just want you!" she screamed._

 _He shook her by her shoulders._

 _"You can't have me, Bella._ _ **I'm Dead!"**_

* * *

Bella woke with an icy blow shaking its way through her body.

"Fuck." She groaned and leaned back into the headboard, running her fingers though her dyed black locks.

She glanced over to at the man beside her; tan skin shining against the weak light that filters into her dorm room from the window. It had been a few months since she left Forks. She'd decided to get her major in mechanical engineering much to Charlie's surprise and had declined his offer to come visit when he called last week.

Charlie was another reminder that she didn't need but she still called him every Thursday night to tell him about her classes and how she was doing. Mostly, she lied her way through their conversation until he felt satisfied, then went to a party to drink herself into oblivion. Which usually resulted in waking up next to a stranger.

She shot another look onto the bed, her nose scrunching in disgust at the small snores coming from the body.

 _Jacob was stretched diagonally across the double bed that took up all of his room but a few inches around the edges. Even on a slant, it wasn't long enough; his feet hung off the one end and his head off the other. He was fast asleep, snoring lightly with his mouth hanging open. His face was peaceful with deep sleep, all the angry lines smoothed out. There were circles under his eyes that she hadn't noticed before._

She shook her head and closes her eyes, pushing the memory away and started shaking the person next to her.

"Hey…Hey! Wake up!" She said. "Time to get out!"

The man shifted, mumbled in his sleep, before squinting up at her with dark eyes that made her remember why she chose this one.

Not the same…but close enough.

"Bella?" he question and she snorted,

"Who else would it be?" she asked, wondering if he'd be offended that she didn't know who he was.

He smiled drowsily and his hand reached out to hers but she pulled it back just as he was about to intertwine her fingers with his. He looked hurt but Bella didn't give herself time to feel guilty as she slipped out of bed.

"Look, I got a class in an hour. So you need to go," she gathered up his clothes that were thrown all over the room and tossed them at his naked body.

"What?" he asked in a tired confused voice, "What do you mean?"

"Leave. Don't you speak English? Go away. Get the hell out of my room," she ordered, hands on her hips, not at all bothered by her nakedness.

It wasn't like it was anything he hadn't seen the night before.

He shook his head, running a hand though his messy black hair (another reason she chose him) and didn't look like he was leaving.

"I told you to get out!" she said, hitting him on the shoulder.

He frowned. "But I thought we could go get breakfast or—"

"Still not getting it, huh?" she sneered at him. "I don't want you anymore. You were a one night stand! You have outlived your one night of usefulness. So leave!"

She turned away from him and went into the bathroom to take a shower. The sound of water running calmed her, drowning out her thoughts and the sound of her heart beating. She took her time, giving the stranger enough time to get dressed and leave. When she re-entered her bedroom, dressed, with a bottle of aspirin in her hand, the stranger was still there.

"What are you still doing here?" she asked.

He got out of bed, at least he had put his clothes on, and reached for her.

"Let me treat you to breakfast. Maybe after that we can talk?" he suggested and she stepped away from him.

"Look. Last night was... okay, I guess. But that's over with now, and so is this," she gestured to the space between them.

"I had fun last night and I thought maybe it doesn't have to be one time thing," the man said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't Fucking Touch Me!" She shouted, slapping his hand away.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, leaping away from her, surprised by her bitterness.

"What's wrong with me?" she asked furiously. "What's wrong with you?"

The guy turned and left quickly after that, mumbling about crazy chicks.

Bella pinched the bridge of her nose before opening her pills and heading into the kitchen/living room area of her dorm.

Her roommate, who was in the kitchen reading the paper, raised an eyebrow.

"Rough night?" she asked, nodding to the cup of coffee on the table.

"You have no idea," Bella groaned, snatching up the cup and throwing a handful of aspirin in her mouth.

Her roommate's name was Amber. She was from Michigan. She was a psychology major with red hair and green eyes.

"Do you know who that guy was?" Bella asked and Amber smirked.

"That's Jeff. He's in your math class," Amber said, meaning she'd have to see him again.

"Crap," Bella cursed.

"Well, this wouldn't happen if you stopped getting drunk and sleeping with strangers," Amber informed her and Bella rolled her eyes.

"So what? You think I should try to live some normal human life?" she asked bitterly.

Amber pursed her lips.

"Maybe you should find a boyfriend or something," Amber suggested.

Bella tensed.

 _"I love you, Bella! There's nobody else in my heart. I have no other options but you do! You have me!"_

"I don't think so," she forced out through clenched teeth.

She wasn't going to date anyone.

She wasn't going to get attached to someone else that she could lose.

Amber nodded, used to her clamming up, and went back reading her paper.

"By the way, are you really wearing that to class?" she asked and Bella glanced down.

She was wearing Jacob's shirt.

She brought it up to her face and inhaled even though the smell of him had long since faded. She turned around and went back in her room.

"No, I'm not going to class," she declared, and went to get Jacob's brown leather jacket that she'd stolen from his closet.

"Where are you going?" Amber asked, standing up.

Bella shrugged.

"I was thinking of getting a tattoo," she said, like it wasn't a big deal.

Amber nodded, sitting back down.

"Okay, make sure you get a good one," she called after her and Bella decided that if she was ever in need of psychiatric help she'd go to Amber.

She went outside and got on her (His) motorcycle, which had been the first thing she put back together once she'd learned how. She kicked it into start, enjoying the feel of it rumbling beneath her.

 _Jacob jumped on the black motorcycle, kicked it to a start in one try, and raced back down the road, spraying sand and pebbles behind him. He looked athletic and professional as he leaned over the handlebars, head low, face forward, and his shiny hair whipping against the russet skin of his back._

She gripped her wolf charm, which she'd started wearing on her wrist again once she got to college, and sighed.

"Never forget," she said to herself before riding off into the city.

And when she came back with a russet wolf tattoo across her left breast, directly over her chest with his name in the fur, Amber took one look at it and another at her red-rimmed eyes before pulling out a bottle of whiskey.

"Here," she said, pushing the bottle into Bella's hands. "You look like you need this."

Bella thanked her, chugging half the bottle, before collapsing into tears. Amber pulled her into a hug and Bella cried on her shoulder.

"I lost my soulmate because I was stupid and now I have to live the rest of my life without him," she confessed and soon the rest of the story started spilling from her lips.

 **Werewolves, Vampires, Love, Death.** A love triangle that had no winners. Amber listened to it all without comment.

She knew it would all probably be written off in the morning as the rambles of a drunken girl but it felt nice to finally talk about it to someone because she was afraid that if she didn't, she might forget.

 _And that wasn't acceptable._

* * *

 ** _please review!_**


	13. Chapter 13

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and chapter title from snow patrol run.**

 **Chapter 13: To think I might not see those eyes…It makes it so hard not to cry**

 ** _"If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?"_**

 ** _―_** ** _Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes_**

* * *

Bella was sitting in a bar with a fake ID in her pocket and a drink in her hand. She'd come in to drink away the sad memories, or at least get drunk enough to fall asleep. But she hadn't even managed to finish her first glass. Every time she brought it to her lips her hand started shaking.

How could they do that?

How could they think that it was alright to…?

* * *

 **(Earlier that morning)**

Sam and Emily were waiting for her to say something but she was frozen. She continued to stare at the baby in her arms, a baby with dark hair, and russet skin….A baby named Jacob.

"Why did you…?" she trailed off, her voice trembling.

Emily smiled softly but her eyes were sad.

"We thought it would be a nice way to honor him and his sacrifice," she said and Bella flinched.

His Sacrifice.

His **_Death._**

Her heart began to pound violently in her chest, so hard and so loud she could hear the rush of blood inside her ears.

It was unfair to call this baby Jacob.

It was unfair to spring this on her.

She was just here for Charlie's wedding. She was just trying to be a good daughter, for once, and support her father.

Why?

"We were hoping you'd want to be involved in the baby's life," Emily responded as though reading her thoughts.

Bella wanted to shake her head. She wanted to shove the baby back into Emily's arms and run away from this place…from the reminder of what she lost.

Sam was unusually quiet and Bella wondered what he was thinking.

Did he blame her?

If she hadn't argued with Jacob that day…

If she hadn't decided to marry Edward…

If she hadn't brought those stupid bikes….

If she never came to Forks…

The baby yawned, pulling Bella out of her thoughts, and opened his dark brown eyes.

 ** _Those were his eyes…_**

The baby smiled happily at her and started cooing.

It was agony to look into those wide dark eyes and not see Jacob looking back at her.

There was an innocence in these eyes.

A light that she'd stolen from Jacob's eyes long before he died.

It was the same name, sure, but the absence of Jacob, her Jacob, was obvious and painful, and it made Bella want to break things.

"Why me?" she knew her voice sounded ragged and choked.

"Because it's what he would have wanted," Sam said, speaking for the first time and Bella didn't have to ask who the He was in that sentence.

Bella's eyes met his.

"How do you know what he would have wanted?" she asked.

Sam face was serious.

"Because he loved you and he wouldn't want you to be alone," Sam stated and Bella flinched away as if he slapped her across the face.

 _It's awful. No privacy, no secrets. Everything you're ashamed of, laid out for everyone to see._

Bella gave baby Jacob back to Emily and covered her face with her hands.

She wasn't going to cry anymore.

"You need to let him go," Sam said, and Bella pushed the tears back and focused on the anger coiling in her stomach. "You need to let him go."

 _You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me._

"And hanging around a child with the same name as him is going to help that, huh?" she snapped, making Emily recoil and hold her baby tighter.

To his credit, Sam stood firm, unfazed by her sudden anger.

"Bella, have you seen yourself?" he asked and she felt as if she'd been stabbed through the chest.

So her hair was black…and she was wearing Jacob's jacket…and the bracelet he'd made her for graduation…and she had a tattoo with his name on her chest.

Who was he to judge her?

"You cut your hair," Emily mumbled and Bella felt a little sick.

She didn't remember doing that. She'd gotten drunk and woken up alone, for once, but her hair was gone...Amber did the best she could to even it out but it still looked weird.

"It got in the way," Bella lied, but she was certain they saw through her.

"Well, you're welcome to visit Jacob anytime you want," Emily said, with a forced smile.

"Thank you," Bella said, even though she had no intentions of doing so.

Though a part of her wanted to.

He wasn't Jacob. He'd never be able to replace Jacob…but was it selfish of her to want a little piece of him to hold on too?

 _I miss you every day, Bella. It's not the same without you._

Bella let out a shuttering breath and turned away from them, leaving without another word.

* * *

…..

 **(Present)**

She couldn't drink this away. Because it was never going to go away.

Jacob was gone forever and getting drunk wasn't going to help her.

Nothing was going to help her.

She missed him so much.

 _Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything._

"Damn it," Bella groaned, slamming the glass back on the bar counter making the contents of the glass slosh dangerously to the side and spill over.

She didn't think about baby Jacob, and his familiar dark eyes; her Jacob's eyes. She didn't think about Jacob begging her to give him a chance or the feel of his lips against hers in that one moment of purity before it all went to hell.

 _"I can love you, Bella. For as long as you want me to. Please, Bella, don't go."_

 _"I can't."_

"Jacob…Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I- I-" she rested her head in her hands, and it felt as if there was a gaping wound where her heart should be.

It wasn't like when Edward left…there had been a hole then.

But her heart was still in her chest, it was beating and it was bleeding, sending ripples of pain throughout her body, screaming the same name at her over and over.

Bella closed her eyes against the sting of tears building, but the insides of her eyelids burned with Jacob; Jacob smiling, Jacob holding her hand, Jacob holding her in his arms, Jacob kissing her, Jacob glaring at her, Jacob's back as he ran away…Jacob's lifeless body lying in the bed.

She squeezed her eyes tighter, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Miss, are you okay?" the bartender asked.

Bella shook her head.

No, she wasn't alright.

She wasn't okay.

She wasn't fine.

There was something wrong with her.

"I don't know how to do this," her voice was strained. "I don't know how to be this person. I don't know how to live this life. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe! I just want the pain to be gone…I don't want to feel anything. I'd rather feel nothing. I need to feel nothing!" she was pleading, holding her head with both hands, trying to block out the feelings and the voices swirling inside her.

"Miss, would you like me to call someone?" the bartender asked.

"There's no one to call. The only person who can help me is dead," Bella sobbed and stormed out the bar.

 _"Do you still want me to let you go?"_

No.

She didn't want to let go. She wanted to hold onto his memory until the day her heart stopped beating…because if the situation were reversed Jacob would have held onto her until his dying breath.

She punched the brick wall of the bar and gasped. Her knuckles were bleeding but the pain helped her focus.

There was another Jacob in the world….one she hadn't tainted.

 _Jacob caught her arm with a shivering hand. "Please, Bella. I'm begging."_

 _His dark eyes were glistening with tears. A lump filled her throat._

 _"Jake, I have to—"_

 _"You don't, though. You really don't. You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For Charlie. For me."_

 _She shook her head, tears spattering from her eyes with the sharp motion. She pulled her arm free, and he didn't fight her._

 _"Don't die, Bella," he choked out. "Don't go. Don't."_

She wrapped an arm around her stomach, leaning against the side of the building sobbing.

She was an awful person…she deserved this pain.

She killed him.

She may not have been the one to deal the final blow…but she'd driven him into those woods with her cruelty and her selfishness.

And where was she when he was laying in those woods dying?

She was with the Cullens…talking to the bloodsucker that killed him.

 ** _Irina_**

Edward's friend…Laurent's lover…Jacob's killer.

….

* * *

 **"Who did it?" Bella asked Edward.**

 **Edward's eyes closed and he grimaced.**

 **"It was a member of the Denali Clan. Her name was Irina." He said.**

 **"Why?" Bella sobbed into his chest.**

 **"She was Laurent's mate. He came to Denali after he left James and Victoria. There, he and Irina met, and fell in love, though she was more serious about their relationship than him," Edward muttered and Bella stiffened.**

 **"She killed Jacob because he killed Laurent," Bella said, numbly.**

 **"He said he wanted to be like us. To live in peace with humans. With her," Edward explained. "She didn't believe that he tried to…she wanted revenge. She intended to kill the whole pack but Jacob found her first."**

 **Bella pushed herself out of his arms.**

 **"Where is she?" Bella asked.**

 **Edward gave her a grave look.**

 **"She's dead…ripped apart by Leah Clearwater," Edward said with distain in his voice.**

 **"Good," Bella mumbled and Edward gave her a condescending look.**

 **"Though Irina's actions were wrong, there was no need for the brutality that the she-wolf demonstrated," Edward said and Bella glared at him.**

 **"Jacob...Is…** ** _DEAD_** **because of that monster!" Bella shouted. "And you have the nerve to comment on Leah actions?"**

 **"Bella, that's not what I meant," Edward said sympathetically.**

 **Bella continued to glare and Edward stepped towards her, trying to place his hand on her shoulder, but seeing the look on her face, paused before putting it back down.**

 **"He died because of Victoria. Because you killed James, and Victoria wanted revenge on me. He died because you left me defenseless and the pack killed Laurent before he could kill me."**

 **"Bella," Edward said again.**

 **"He's dead, Edward!" Bella yelled and Edward sighed.**

 **"And now so is she," Edward replied.**

 **Bella wished that she could feel some satisfaction in that…but Jacob was gone and Irina's death hadn't brought him back.**

 **"I just want to be alone," Bella said, not able to look at Edward anymore.**

 **"I'm sorry, Bella. I never should have invited them to the wedding. I never thought that she would-" Edward started but Bella shook her head.**

 **"I want to be alone," she repeated, and Edward hesitated before leaving.**

 **That was the beginning of their ruin.**

* * *

…..

Bella pushed herself off the building, stumbling to her bike.

She didn't know where she was going.

Charlie was gone…he was married and living his happily ever after.

Amber was back in Florida.

Sam and Emily…they had baby Jacob and she couldn't be around him.

 ** _(She'd taint him. She'd taint him she'd taint him)_**

Quil wasn't speaking to her…he blamed her for Jacob's death.

Embry was gone…he'd phased after the funeral, started running, and never stopped.

Seth was gone…he went with Sue and Charlie to start anew somewhere else.

Jared was with Kim and neither wanted to see her.

Paul wouldn't look at her after that incident on the cliff…he was engaged to Jacob's sister.

There was no one.

Her human friends were all gone to colleges.

The Cullens were gone.

Jacob was dead.

And she was alone.

Was this what Jacob would have wanted for her?

 ** _She'd never know…the only person who could tell her what Jacob wanted was buried six feet under the ground._**

* * *

 ** _Please review and let me know your thoughts!_**


	14. Chapter 14

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover and chapter title from Robert Patterson feat. Helena Josephson - My Own Worst Enemy**

 **Chapter 14: Somebody Save Me From Myself**

 _ **"I always hated when my scars started to fade, because as long as I could still see them, I knew why I was hurting."**_

― _**Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care**_

* * *

 _"I love you," Jacob said softly as they lay in bed together. "You need to know that I love you."_

 _"I know," she_ _whispered_ _before she kissed him desperately, for just a few_ _seconds_ _until Jacob pulled away._

 _"Don't leave me," Bella_ _begs_ _into his neck. "I need you. I love you. Don't go."_

 _"Don't cry," Jacob smiled. "I'll see you again."_

* * *

Bella hadn't left her room in in three days…not even to eat. She had a loaf of bread, which she'd dragged into the room from the kitchen, and she drank water from her sink in the bathroom but couldn't bring herself to leave. Amber hadn't returned from her visit to her parents yet, so Bella was alone. She called her professors and told them she was sick-which wasn't exactly a lie. She was heartsick.

A week went by, and another one began; still Bella stayed in her room. The food in the fridge had probably gone bad. She kept her curtains closed not letting in any light…laying her bed, wasting away in the dark.

An endless loop of memories and regrets ran through her head.

She missed Jacob.

She missed the way he used to kiss her shoulder when he held her in his arms. She missed how he tucked her hair behind her ear and the way he used to play with her hands whenever he was distracted or bored. She missed the way he snored, loud enough to wake the dead. She missed the huskiness of his voice and his stupid jokes. She missed joking about their age and who was older. She missed the stupid sappy pop music he used to play in his garage that he would turn off the second he noticed her. She missed the way he used to whistle while he worked on his car. She missed his warmth. She missed the way he used to tell her he loved her.

She missed _everything_ about him.

There was a knock on her room door but she couldn't find the strength to get out of bed.

Amber must have come home.

Bella managed to stay in her room for another day before Amber used the spare key and came to check on her.

"Why are the lights off?" she asked as she came into the room.

She switched on the lights and gasped.

"What have you done to yourself?" she asked, once she took in Bella's state.

Bella shrugged, not moving from under her covers.

"That's it. Get out of bed right now!" Amber managed to drag her out of bed and into the bathroom.

She ran Bella some water and put her in the tub.

"When's the last time you bathed?" she asked, with a click of her tongue.

How long had it been? A week? Two?

Bella shrugged again.

"Have you at least been eating?" Amber questioned.

"There was bread," Bella mumbled, her voice raspy from disuse.

Amber made another sound of disapproval, and started washing her hair. Bella couldn't help but lean into the contact…it was nice to have some physical contact.

"So, what set you off this time?" Amber asked, like this was becoming a pattern.

"I…There was a baby…Jacob…Alone…I taint everything…killed him," Bella knew that her babbling made no sense but Amber nodded as if she understood.

"Someone had a baby named Jacob. You're feeling alone and you're worried that you'll taint him because you think you killed Jacob," Amber stated, and Bella remembered why she and Amber were friends.

"My fiancé knew his killer. She was supposed to be a guest at our wedding. She was there because of me," Bella admitted, hoping Amber wouldn't press for more details.

Amber didn't comment on that. She started to ramble, talking about her trip with her parents and how annoying her brother was.

"I told them about you and they want to meet you," she mentioned as she was helping Bella out of the tub.

"Why would anyone want to meet me?" Bella mumbled, dejectedly. "I've known myself for 19 years and I don't even want to be around myself anymore."

Amber pursed her lips.

"You're coming to meet my parents," she declared, and from her tone of voice Bella knew there would be no arguing.

Amber gave Bella a robe and made her sit at the table while she rumbled around the fridge. It had all gone bad.

She poured Bella a bowl of cereal and put it in front of her.

Bella stared at the corn flakes and made no move to touch them.

Amber left the room ordering her to eat.

When she came back, Bella hadn't moved and the bowl was still full. She placed the carton of milk she must have gotten from the cafeteria on the table and sat across from her giving her a glare.

Bella picked up her spoon and took a bite, not bothering with the milk. She crunched the dry cereal.

It hurt to swallow, but she did it, forcing it down her throat, to her stomach under Amber's watchful gaze. She gripped her spoon so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She couldn't break down in front of Amber, she couldn't. Not again.

It's not fair. Bella had to live while Jacob died but Amber has to watch her live while being dead inside.

"You're your own worst enemy," Amber tells her as she pushes the milk across the table. "It's like you get pleasure out of breaking your own heart."

Bella was too tired to reply. She felt raw and empty.

"Hey," Amber said, making Bella look up from her cereal. "Talk to me."

Bella swallowed.

"I hate this," she whispered. "I hate that my heart is still beating. I hate that Jacob's dead. I hate that I got so little time with him. I hate that I didn't figure it out sooner."

Amber was silent for a long time. Bella went back to eating thinking the conversation was over.

"Bella?" Amber asked after a while. "If he hadn't died," Amber started, with emphasis on the last word, "would you still be here?"

The question causes a shame to coil in her stomach. She denied feeling anything more than friendship Jacob for months. She wouldn't even admit it to herself and when she did admit she loved him she pretended like she didn't love him enough. She pretended she loved Edward more. If Jacob hadn't died she would have gone on pretending, she would have married Edward and buried her love for Jacob deep, deep within herself.

She would be living her happily ever after with Edward… and Jacob would be the one suffering right now.

Amber must see the answer on her face because she leaves the table without comment and Bella throws her bowl of cereal at the wall.

She couldn't breathe. She didn't want to breathe. She wanted to go back in time, climb in the bed next to Jacob's body, and die herself. She never thought about how Jacob would feel when she died, when she became undead, because she'd been sure that they'd find a way to be friends even if he did think of her as a undead blood sucking monster but—

 _Better you really be dead than one of them_

Nausea swept through her and she pressed her fist to her mouth but couldn't hold it. She rushed into the bathroom and threw up, with her arms crossed over the seat, heaving until there wasn't anything left in her stomach. Her throat stung and her stomach was quivering. She collapsed against the tub, slumping against the edge.

She struggled to her feet and gripped the sink. A look in the mirror revealed that she looked even more like crap than usual. There were a pair of shiny dark circles underneath her eyes and her already pale skin was even whiter.

"You did this," she reminds herself. "You chose to let him go."

She let out a long and desperate cry, the pain tearing through her chest. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw the red eyes of a newborn vamp staring back at her. She screamed and punched the mirror in anger and breaking it, and cutting herself in the process. The mirror shattered and fell into the sink.

Amber rushed into the room and held her as she thrashed and pushed weakly against her arms.

"Shh," Amber hushed. "Just let it go, Bella."

Bella struggled for a few more minutes before giving in.

"He died alone. I wasn't with him. I let him run from me…I pushed him away and he died all alone thinking I didn't want him. He thought I didn't love him enough. Oh god, what did I do? What did I-" she cried helplessly. "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

Amber just let her cry it out.

"You think that pain is the answer but it's not. Hurting yourself doesn't bring Jacob's soul any pleasure. You have to move on, Bella." She spoke slowly as if Bella were a small child.

"I can't," Bella sobbed. "I killed him. I should suffer for it."

Amber shook her head.

"You didn't kill him and the Jacob you described to me wouldn't want this for you," she stated.

"No, but he should. He should want me to suffer. He should want me to be in pain," Bella hissed, but she couldn't draw the strength to put more venom behind her words.

"But he doesn't," Amber said, like it was a fact.

But how could she know?

"I'm a horrible person," Bella continued.

"No, you're not,"

"What if he died hating me?'

"Impossible," Amber was getting really good at shutting down her downward spiral of self-hate.

"What if one day I forget him?" Bella asked.

 **Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind,** the Edward voice reminded her.

"You'll never forget him, Bella. You have his name tattooed across your chest," Amber's voice was calm and steady.

It was moments like this that Bella was sure she'd be a great therapist.

Bella laughed, but it came out as a sob.

"That was a stupid, reckless thing to do," she said, with a small smile.

"Yes, it was but everyone should be a little reckless sometimes," Amber grinned, before pulling away from her and getting the first aid kit.

" _I get it if you think this is really stupid and reckless."_

" _Yeah, it's completely stupid and reckless…When do we start?"_

"I think I've been reckless enough," Bella said, touching her hair.

Amber came back and started cleaning her hand and wrapping it up.

"So, what do you say we go out for lunch? I know a great Chinese place,"

Bella rolled her eyes.

"I just had a break down and you want to take me out to eat in public?" Bella questioned.

Amber shrugged.

"So are you coming?" she asked, and Bella smiled.

"Of course," she said, and Amber slung her arm across her shoulders.

"Good, now let's get you some clothes." She led Bella into her room.

"Why are we in here? My clothes are in my room," Bella said, confused.

Amber went into her closet and pulled out a red T-shirt and a black skirt.

"Here," she said, Bella read the writing and laughed.

 **I'm not crazy! I'm sensitive.**

…

They had lunch and Amber made them sit in the middle of the restaurant. They talked, they laughed, and they had a good time.

For the first time in a long time she didn't feel alone.

Afterwards she dragged Bella to a party. She didn't let her drink. Instead, they danced and she introduced her to some people. No one asked about her hand or why she looked like a raccoon. It was…fun. The most fun she'd had while sober since Jacob died.

It was nice to have a friend again…but she wasn't sure she deserved to have fun.

A part of her really wanted to hold onto her pain. The sadness was like a precious wound. A suffering she didn't want to let go of because it hurt too good.

Was it wrong to want things to stay the same?

"Are you doing an _Eat Pray Love_ monologue in your head right now?" Amber asked, handing her a cup of Coke.

Bella shrugged.

 _Sometimes you're a little strange, Bella. Do you know that?_

"You really do like making yourself miserable. I never should have shown you that movie," she shook her head, before dragging Bella back to where everyone was dancing.

Maybe she didn't have to be miserable all the time…Jacob would have wanted her to have fun.

 _ **Wouldn't he?**_


	15. Chapter 15

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover and chapter title from James Arthur's Impossible**

 **Chapter 15: My illusion, my mistake. I was careless, I forgot...I did**

 _"_ _It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."  
― __Lemony Snicket_ _,_ _Horseradish_

* * *

Bella fell back into her life with a fury. She started attending her classes and stopped going to parties. She stopped drinking and never missed a meal. If an outsider was watching, they would think that she was over her depression…but she'd learned to mask it. She still had nightmares and her heart still felt like it was bleeding. She still felt like crying when she ran into men who reminded her of Jacob but she stopped sleeping with them.

There were times when she'd lie awake at night and cry silently into her pillow.

There were times when she'd open her eyes after a dream and reach next to her and be surprised to find no one there.

* * *

 _"_ _I'll never leave you," Jacob promised, "I'll love you until the day my heart stops beating, Bells, and maybe even longer than that."_

 _"_ _Love you," Bella cried. "Don't go."_

 _Jacob gazed forlornly into the distance._

 _"_ _I have to go," he told her. "I don't belong here anymore,"_

 _"_ _Yes you do!" Bella shouted, "You belong with me,"_

 _The ground between them started to crumble and moved them further away from each other._

 _"_ _Bella," he calls. "Don't forget me!"_

 _"_ _I won't!" she promised, but the more the distance between them grew the harder it became to remember him._

 _"_ _I guess Cullen was right, a human's memory really is weak,"_

* * *

Bella shot up, awake and gasping for air.

Another nightmare. Fuck.

Bella pulled her dream catcher from its spot on her head board and clutched it to her chest, using it to keep herself anchored to reality.

For a moment, all Bella could see was the disappointment in Jacob's eyes.

She tried the breathing exercises that Amber taught her and tried to think of her happy place.

It didn't work, it never worked, but the thought of Amber catching her like this again are enough to help her take a few deep breaths and focus on her happy place. Bella quickly unbuttoned her shirt and looks at her tattoo.

 _"_ _Bella,"_ Jacob voice said _, "Shhh, it's okay, you're okay, honey"_

She won't forget him. She has his name tattooed on her chest. It was just a dream. A nightmare. A strong, convincing and dreadful nightmare.

Bella took a long breath and held it, until her lungs burned and black dots clouded her vision, before blowing it out slowly

They're just nightmares

She rolled out of bed carefully, slowly; trying not to wake Amber, who she knew sometimes stayed up to listen and make sure that Bella didn't have another episode.

Amber was always watching her, constantly dragging her places and refusing to give into her self-destructive habits. It had to be exhausting and Bella didn't want to be responsible for waking her up the one night she fell asleep peacefully.

She walked into the bathroom to give her face a quick wash, hoping it would relax her enough to fall back asleep. She closed the door silently behind her, then turned on the light and went to the sink.

She looks in the mirror and takes in her reflection in the broken pieces. She's worn-out, pale and not as young as she used to be.

She could see the signs of aging in her appearance and it doesn't scare her as much as it would have just two short years ago.

Bella brushed a finger along the edge of vampire bite on her wrist.

She could be a vampire right now.

 ** _Never aging. Eternally beautiful_**.

She grimaced.

It all seemed so superficial now.

She turned on the sink and splashed some water on her face. She didn't expect Jacob to be staring at her in the broken pieces of the mirror when she lifted her head.

Bella didn't say anything, didn't scream or panic

She just calmly stared into the heartbroken eyes of Jacob Black.

"I should have never let you go," Bella whispered softly, reaching out the image, "I shouldn't have been so stubborn."

 _"_ _Stop,"_ the mirror Jacob insisted, _"None of this was your fault."_

"You told me that you loved me, you offered me my dream life, but I was scared and selfish and I pushed you away and you died. How is that not my fault?"

The Jacob in the mirror faded away and Bella found herself staring into her own miserable face.

The doorknob turned, and Amber peeked her head in with tired, half-lidded eyes.

"You okay, Bella?"

Bella nodded but didn't turn her gaze away from the mirror.

"I'm fine," she lied.

Amber reached out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder but Bella didn't let her. She didn't want to feel anyone's hands on her after what she just saw.

There's something scratching at the surface just beneath her skin, something hotter than anger but deeper than sadness and much darker than her usual self-hatred, itching and clawing to get free.

Bella gave Amber what she hoped was a smile and brushed past her back into her room.

She just had to pretend a little longer.

….

She sent gifts home to baby Jacob. She sent one home each week without fail. Whether it was a rattle or a new outfit and she intended to do so for the rest of her life. It was a nice gesture to make up for the fact that she never intended to see him again.

Emily and Sam sent her thank you cards and photos that she never opened. She hid them all at the bottom of her dresser and would ignore the look Amber would give her.

"You're my friend…Not my mother," Bella growled, one day.

Amber wasn't the least bit intimidated by her anger.

"Well, if your mother isn't here now, is she?" Amber replied, before pulling the cards out of Bella's drawer and shoving them into her arms.

Bella wanted to scream at her but she knew that wouldn't work with Amber so she shut up and opened one of the cards.

Baby Jacob was beautiful. He's perfect, unbelievably so. He's smiling happily in the photo and playing with one of the toys that Bella sent him.

 ** _'_** ** _Hope you two meet again one day'_**

 ** _-Love, Sam, Emily, and Jacob_**

Bella almost cries.

Instead, she gives Amber a cold look and shoved the rest of the letters back in her drawer and refused to speak to her for the rest of the day.

But sometimes, late at night, after one of her nightmares, she'll pull out that one photo and stare at it with a wistful look on her face.

She and Jacob could have had a baby like that one day.

Now it would never happen.

…..

Bella was sitting with Amber, laughing at one of her jokes, when she saw a man sitting in the corner watching her. She held back the gasp that started to escape her as angry dark eyes met hers.

"Embry," she mumbled.

"What?" Amber asked, pausing in the middle of her sentence.

"I have to go," Bella blurted, rising from the table and making her way over to where Embry was standing.

He continued to glare at her, even as she stood in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" Bella asked, and Embry's hand curled into a fist.

His hair was long, reaching past his shoulders, clothes dirty and seemed a size too small, with no shoes.

"I came to see for myself the mess that is Bella Swan," Embry sneered, looking her over.

"What?" Bella asked, confused.

Embry got up from his seat and walked out of the café without another word and Bella ran after him.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, chasing him.

"Sam told me that you weren't doing so hot and told me that you might be falling back into what we like to call the zombie Bella days," Embry stated, crossing his arms. "I came to see for myself how bad you were and I find you laughing it up…like you aren't responsible for the death of my best friend,"

Bella felt the breath rush out of her lungs.

"I promised Jacob that if anything ever happened to him, I would look after you but looks like I didn't need to worry because it's obvious that you didn't care as much about him as you lead everyone to believe." Embry continued, unaware of the growing cracks in Bella composure.

The itch under her skin that she'd been trying to ignore grew stronger.

"So, is the leech still around? Did you pretend to break up with him so that the pack would stop thinking bad about you? Jacob is probably rolling around in his grave right now. I can't believe he gave his life for such a selfish bitch-" Embry kept talking but Bella could no longer hear him.

Guilt hit her then, like a train.

What was she doing?

Her old life, Jacob's life, flashed before her eyes, pouring into his vulnerable, damaged mind and reminding her of everything that she'd let herself forget for the last ten minutes.

For ten minutes she hadn't felt that heavy weight in her chest.

For ten minutes she hadn't remembered Jacob laying dead in his bed.

For ten minutes she'd been Bella Swan, a normal, human girl out to lunch with her friend and having a good time.

It was ten minutes too long.

Bella looked at Embry. She looked past the dirt and grime to the boy who'd been her friend; who had been Jacob's best friend, long before she came back into his life.

Someone who she had robbed.

Someone who she had hurt.

"Thank you," Bella said, cutting off whatever biting remark Embry was about to make next. "Thank you for reminding me what I almost forgot,"

Embry stared at her confused and his eyes widened as her legs gave out beneath her.

"Get away from her!" Amber yelled, pushing him to the side.

Embry stumbled in shock.

"Bella, are you alright?" Amber asked.

Bella shook her head. She closed her eyes, unable to look at her anymore.

"No, I'm not alright and I'm not going to be alright," she stated.

She let people convince her that Jacob would have wanted her to happy but Embry knew Jacob much longer than she did, and more intimately than Charlie had. Embry had been Jacob's confidant. The one he told his innermost thoughts and someone he trusted with his life. And if Embry thought Jacob would have wanted her to be miserable then she'd be miserable.

 _"_ _You could be happy, Bella,"_ the Jacob voice whispered and Bella shivered viciously, her body growing numb.

She felt sick. Her chest heart like someone had taken a knife and stabbed her a thousand times. She couldn't move, she was on her hands and knees trying to dry heaving. Bella's head felt cracked open, swollen, throbbing and no one could make it stop.

 _"_ _Bella, please,"_ the Jacob voice cried. _"I'm begging,"_

Bella started to apologize for all the things that she'd done wrong.

"I would have loved you better," She whispered. "If only I'd known,"

 _"_ _You know how much I wish it was enough,"_ the Jacob voice whispered back, pained.

Amber and Embry were arguing but Bella didn't care about what they were saying. She got back to her feet and started walking home, leaving behind her ten minutes of peace and crawling back into her shell of unhappiness.

It had been ten minutes too long.


	16. Chapter 16

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover.**

 **Trigger Warning: Suicide attempt.**

 **Chapter 16:** **These battle scars, don't look like they're fading...don't look like they're ever going away**

 ** _"_** ** _Did you really want to die?"  
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."  
"Then why do they do it?"  
"Because they want to stop the pain."  
― _****_Tiffanie DeBartolo_** ** _,_** ** _How to Kill a Rock Star_**

* * *

Bella can hear someone sobbing.

It's been an hour, twenty six minutes, since Embry came back and she's lost. She's replayed the words that Embry said to her

 _It's obvious that you didn't care as much about him as you lead everyone to believe…_ _Jacob is probably rolling around in his grave right now. I can't believe he gave his life for such a selfish bitch_

And each time she asks herself: when did she become a monster?

She couldn't be here right now. She couldn't take the sobbing anymore.

She puts her hands over her ears and tries to drown it out but it doesn't work.

It doesn't work because she's the one who's crying.

Bella looks at the cars driving past and considers throwing herself into traffic.

It hurts too much and any hope she had for moving on is gone.

Embry was right. It was wrong to hope for even a little relief from her agony…

 _"And what are they?" she finally asked. "What are the cold ones?"_

 _He smiled darkly._

 _"Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."_

 _She stared out at the rough surf after he answered, not sure what her face was exposing._

 _"You have goose bumps," he laughed delightedly._

 _"You're a good storyteller," she complimented him, still staring into the waves._

 _"Pretty crazy stuff, though, isn't it? No wonder my dad doesn't want us to talk about it to anyone."_

 _She couldn't control her expression enough to look at him yet. "Don't worry, I won't give you away."_

 _"I guess I just violated the treaty," he laughed._

 _"I'll take it to the grave," she promised, and then she shivered._

 _"Seriously, though, don't say anything to Charlie. He was pretty mad at my dad when he heard that some of us weren't going to the hospital since Dr. Cullen started working there."_

 _"I won't. Of course not."_

 _"So do you think we're a bunch of superstitious natives or what?" he asked in a playful tone, but with a hint of worry. She still hadn't looked away from the ocean._

 _She turned and smiled at him as normally as she could._

 _"No. I think you're very good at telling scary stories, though. I still have goose bumps, see?" she held up her arm._

 _"Cool." He smiled._

 _And then the sound of the beach rocks clattering against each other warned them that someone was approaching. Their heads snapped up at the same time to see Mike and Jessica about fifty yards away, walking toward them._

 _"There you are, Bella," Mike called in relief, waving his arm over his head._

 _"Is that your boyfriend?" Jacob asked, alerted by the jealous edge in Mike's voice._

 _She was surprised it was so obvious._

 _"No, definitely not," she whispered._

 _She was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. She winked at him, carefully turning away from Mike to do so. He smiled, elated by her inept flirting._

 _"So when I get my license..." he began._

 _"You should come see me in Forks. We could hang out sometime." she felt guilty as she said this, knowing that she'd used him. But she really did like Jacob. He was someone she could easily be friends with._

And that was it. There it was. The beginning of all of this tragic story. She had started it all from the moment she decided to use Jacob to learn about Edward and his family. The moment she pretended to be interested in him…never knowing how real those feeling would later become.

She wondered if he was watching her from heaven. Was he judging her? If he's up there smiling down telling everyone "see that girl Bella Swan? I loved her and my love for her got me killed but I don't regret a single moment of it."

She knew that he probably regretted meeting her. She had hurt him…repeatedly. She had broken his heart more times than she could count and for what? For Love? For Immortality? For Lust?

That thought scares her because that's what it all came down to, right? She wanted to have sex with Edward. She wanted to be beautiful. She wanted the life being with him offered.

 _"Is that what it comes down to?" His voice was abruptly sharper. "Good looks?"_

 _"Don't be stupid, Jacob."_

 _"Is it the money, then?" he persisted._

 _"That's nice," she muttered, getting up from the tree. "I'm flattered that you think so much of me." She turned her back on him and paced away._

"I'm sorry, Jacob. I'm so sorry. But I don't know what to do. Just, please. Please tell me how to fix this? Just give me a sign, please!" she begged.

"What do I do, Jacob? Tell me what to do!"

She's yelling, and she wonders if anyone around cares.

"I can't stop! I don't know what else to do! Please tell me what to do!" She cried. "I know you're mad and I don't blame you, I really don't. You're right. You should be the one living right now. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jacob. I can't do this. I...I don't know what I'm doing half the time. And when I do know what I'm doing...it's wrong. Please, Jacob. Please. I just...I need to hear your voice. I need you to tell me it'll be okay. I need to believe that it'll be okay. I just...I need help." Her sobbing becomes uncontrollable, and she can't speak anymore, her vision blurred by her tears.

Suddenly, she tripped over something and fell on her face.

Bella blinks and her eyes focus on the thing that tripped her.

A broken glass bottle

She sat up and examines her leg, sees a piece of glass sticking out of her leg, and begins to laugh.

It hurt, but the pain is nothing compared to the pain in her chest.

I hold my hand to it to try and stop it from bleeding, as she laughs.

This is wrong.

This is so wrong.

"Are you okay, ma'am?"

She looks up at the woman and who is staring down at her with concern.

"Mind your own fucking business," Bella growls, and the woman back off.

Bella pulls the glass from her leg and stares at the red colored shard.

Pain…she asked for a sign and immediately afterwards she fell down and started bleeding.

She laughed harder squeezes the glass in her hand until her hand started bleeding.

She asked for a sign, and he sent her one.

He hates her.

….

"Bella, this isn't healthy," Amber said, beating on Bella's door.

Bella had shoved her dresser in front of it to keep Amber from coming in.

"Leave me alone!" Bella shouted, covering her ears and mumbling to herself until Amber had given up on getting her to open the door.

Bella almost felt bad…but then she took another sip of her alcohol of choice and forgot why she felt bad.

Bella barely makes it another hour before Amber breaks down the door…No, it's Embry breaking down her door.

Amber hovers behind him and Bella stares at them for a few seconds before opening another bottle and attempting to drink herself into oblivion.

She wonders if maybe she could drink herself to death in the ten seconds it would take for them to reach her.

Amber snatched the bottle out of her hands and Embry picked her up off the floor.

"P-put me down," Bella slurred, beating his shoulder.

Amber followed him to the living room where he drops her on the couch and Bella giggled a little when she bounces.

"What happened, Bella? You were doing so well," Amber asked and Bella shrugged. "Bella, your bleeding!"

"I know," Bella whispered, remembering the store clerk had pointed out the same thing when she brought the bottle.

Embry shifted uncomfortably

Bella squinted and looked at him, wondering why there were three of him.

"I may have had something to do with that," Embry mutters and Amber gives him a sharp look.

"What Did You Do?" Amber asked, and Embry rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

As Embry explains himself, Bella tunes them out and focuses on trying to stop the room from spinning.

"Why would you tell her that?" Amber growled and Embry glared at her.

"How was I supposed to know that she would be like this?" Embry asked, and Amber looked ready to punch him.

"Fix this!" she shouted.

"How?" Embry asked.

She's exhausted. Maybe it was the blood loss or maybe it was the bottle of booze she had just chugged…or maybe it was the bottle of bottle of pain killers she swallowed, right before Embry broke down the door, but her eyes began to droop.

"Bella?"

"Bella?"

Jacob...I'm sorry...

"Bella!"

 **Darkness**


	17. Chapter 17

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover and chapter title is Flowers for a ghost (really great song for Bella/Jacob)**

 **Chapter 17: Who will bring me flowers when it's over, and who will give me comfort when it's cold?**

" _Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don't."  
― Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis_

* * *

Bella opened her eyes, disoriented.

What happened?

Where was she?

She looked around the room and blinked as everything started to come back to her.

She was in a hospital room and there was a tube in her mouth. She looked and noticed an I.V pole with a bunch of bags on it, beside her, and a needle in her arm pumping the fluids into her body. She felt so tied and her whole body ached. She tried to move and found she couldn't. she glanced down, noticing, for the first time, the restraints on her wrists.

How did she end up there?

She was supposed to be _dead._

"You're awake." A familiar voice stated.

She turned her head to look at him. Embry was sitting in a chair by her bed.

"Don't try to speak until they take out the breathing tube." He explained, and she searched the room with her eyes.

Where was Amber? How long had she been here?

"Amber went to the bathroom. She'll be back soon." He said, as if he read her mind, and then he gave her a serious look. "Are you alright?"

Bella gave him a dry look. Did she look okay to him? She was in a hospital bed after a failed suicide attempt.

God, she couldn't do anything right.

"You tried to kill yourself, Bella. The doctors had to pump your stomach and restart your heart. You weren't responding and they thought you were done for," Embry continued, and Bella glared at him.

The doctor came in and removed the tube that was in her throat. When it was out, Bella coughed and gagged.

The doctor put a hand on her shoulder and Bella tried to shrug him away.

"I know your throat hurts, but we need you to answer some questions for us, okay?"

Bella stared down at her hands and nodded.

Embry handed her a cup of water of the side table and Bella gave him an evil look, gesturing to her restraints. Embry put the straw to her lips and she tried to drink as much as she could.

"Drink slowly," he said, pulling the cup away.

Bella turned her head away from him and looked at the doctor.

"Okay, my name is Dr. Stevens. Can you tell your name?"

Bella mouthed her name and Embry gave the doctor a worried look.

"Why isn't she speaking?" he asked, and the Dr. Steven gave Bella a look.

"Out loud, please,"

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Isabella Marie Swan," she rasped.

"Good, do you know your parent's names?"

"Rene Dryer and Charlie Swan,"

"Do you know where you are?"

Bella looked around.

"A hospital?" she phrased the answer like a question

The doctor nodded.

"Good, you don't seem to have any brain damage but I'll schedule an MRI just to be sure. You had some alcohol poisoning and you overdosed on some painkillers. We luckily were able to pump your stomach. You are very lucky to be here right now, young lady." The doctor said.

"How long have I been here?" Bella croaked, and Embry answered.

"You've been unconscious for three days," he muttered and Bella felt a shudder run through her.

Three days.

That's how long Rosalie said it took for her to become a vampire.

"D-does anyone else know I'm here?" Bella asked, dreading the answer.

"No," Amber answered, coming into the room, "You made me your emergency contact and I knew you wouldn't want me to tell them."

"Thank you," Bella breathed, knowing her parents would only blame themselves.

"Are you feeling better?" Amber asked, sweetly, and Bella nodded.

"I'm okay," she said, and Amber nodded.

"Good," then she slapped Bella across the face.

"Wha…?" Bella started and Amber glared at her.

"How dare you?" she hissed, "Did you even think about me when you were taking those pills? Or how about when you had the bright idea to drink a whole bottle of Vodka on top of that?"

Bella flinched, feeling as if all the breath had been sucked from her lungs. She had in fact thought of Amber when she was trying to kill herself. There were letters in her top dresser drawer addressed to Amber, Charlie, Renee, Sam and his family, and one for Embry.

But she didn't mention this.

"I'm sorry," Bella said, instead.

"Are you?" Amber questioned, "Because you don't look sorry,"

Bella wished she had the energy to explain herself but she was so tired.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, and Amber's expression softened, just a little before it hardened again.

"Whatever," she said, "I'll see you when you get home,"

She walked out of the room without a backward glance and Bella hoped she hadn't just lost her best friend.

Though a part of her was sure it would be better for Amber to get as far from her as possible. Bella glanced at Embry who sat in the corner, silently watching her…judging her and Bella wanted to smack him, wanted to yell at him to leave. But she didn't. Instead, she lay back and closed her eyes, giving in to her exhaustion.

The doctor woke her up an hour later and introduced her to another doctor, who she guessed was supposed to be her therapist.

"Hello, Isabella," the woman greeted and Bella frowned, noticing Embry was gone.

"Bella," she muttered, then coughed.

"Okay, Bella," the doctor corrected, "I'm Dr. Lilian but you may call me Linda if you want," she smiled and then looked down at the clip board in her hands. "How are you feeling?"

"Horrible." Bella said.

"Why is that?" Linda asked.

"I caused everyone so much trouble. I really wasn't thinking about what I was doing…I wasn't trying to kill myself," she lied, quickly.

"Then what were you trying to do?" Linda asked, and Bella was tried to think of an explanation.

"I was trying to…" Bella trailed off, "I wanted to feel good for once,"

"So, you were attempting to get high?" Linda asked, and Bella hesitated, before nodding, and Linda took notes on her clipboard.

"What happened to your leg?"

 _Please, Jacob. Please. I just...I need to hear your voice. I need you to tell me it'll be okay. I need to believe that it'll be okay. I just...I need help." Her sobbing becomes uncontrollable, and she can't speak anymore, her vision blurred by her tears._

 _Suddenly, she tripped over something and fell on her face._

 _Bella blinks and her eyes focus on the thing that tripped her._

 _A broken glass bottle_

 _She sat up and examines her leg, sees a piece of glass sticking out of her leg, and begins to laugh._

 _It hurt, but the pain is nothing compared to the pain in her chest._

 _She held her hand to it to try and stop it from bleeding, as she laughs. Bella pulls the glass from her leg and stares at the red colored shard._

 _Pain…she asked for a sign and immediately afterwards she fell down and started bleeding._

 _She laughed harder squeezes the glass in her hand until her hand started bleeding._

 _She asked for a sign, and he sent her one._

 _He hates her._

"I fell," Bella said, with a shrug. "I do that sometimes,"

"So, Bella, do you have any hobbies or any activities you enjoy doing?" Linda asked, after a moment of silence.

"I party, sleep with guys, work on my motorcycle, read," Bella listed.

"You like motorcycles?" Linda questioned, ignoring the other things she mentioned.

"Yeah, I guess, I mean I'm going to school to be a mechanic,"

"A mechanic?"

"Yeah,"

"It says here that you used to have a friend that worked on motorcycles, and that he recently passed?" Linda mentioned, and Bella took a deep breath, fighting tears.

"I did. Who told you that?" Bella asked.

"One of your friends, but do you think that's part of the reason this happened?"

"I... I don't know. Maybe,"

"Why did you take the pills, Bella?"

"I told you. I wanted to feel better,"

"Why so many?"

"The more pills I took the better I felt," she didn't add that she felt better because she thought that the more she took the less likely it was that they could save her.

"Hmm," Linda's eyebrows rose, "Have you been under any stress lately?"

Bella shrugged.

"No more than usual,"

"Listen, Bella, I think you're a nice girl. But you've made some very questionable decisions and I think we should keep you here for a day or two until can decide what to do for you? But I think I'm going to recommend you do outpatient counseling and see a therapist," Linda said.

"I don't want to go to an outpatient counseling," Bella says and Linda shrugs.

"We can't control what you do once you get out of here but I think it would do you some good…unless you don't really have a drug problem and were trying to commit suicide, in which case we'll have to put you on a 72-hour suicide watch and then you'd probably be sent to our mental health facility,"

Bella shook her head.

"I'll do the outpatient counseling," she said, quickly.

Linda nodded, writing it down on her clipboard.

"Do you have anything you want to talk to me about before I leave?"

"No," Bella said, and when Linda left, Bella finally cried.

She thought about Jacob, the sixteen-year-old boy, pre-transformation.

 _Jacob had grown into some of his potential in the last six months. He'd passed that point where the soft muscles of childhood hardened into the solid, lanky build of a teenager; the tendons and veins had become prominent under the red-brown skin of his arms, his hands._

 _His face was still sweet like she remembered it, though it had hardened, too—the planes of his cheekbones sharper, his jaw squared off, all childish roundness gone._

He had so much life inside him. So much happiness to share with everyone.

Why did she have to ruin everything she touched?

She tried to wipe her eyes, only to be stopped by the restraints. But someone else wiped her eyes for her.

Bella looked up at Amber, who was giving her a solemn look.

"Drug addiction, huh?" she asked, and Bella looked away.

"I can't go to psych ward," Bella muttered, "I'd rather be a drug addict than…well, me,"

Amber didn't say anything and Bella was grateful.

"I'm really sorry, Amber. You're my best friend." Bella sighed, "You're my only friend and I know that I'm selfish and self-destructive and a million other bad things. I just…I wanted the pain to be over,"

Amber nodded, and finished wiping Bella's face before turning away.

"Please, don't be mad at me," Bella begged.

"I'm not mad, Bella." Amber said, "I'm hurt that you let yourself reach that low and didn't try to talk to me,"

"I'm sorry,"

"Stop apologizing," Amber ordered, "Save it for when you're better,"

Bella nodded and looked around.

"Where's Embry?"

Amber shrugged.

"I told him to leave. He was what triggered this, right?" Amber said, darkly.

Bella shook her head.

"He just told the truth," Bella sighed.

"Whose truth?" Amber asked, "Jacob's or Yours?"

Bella looked away from her and stared down at her hands until Amber left, then she fell asleep.

 _But even in her dreams, Jacob never showed._

* * *

 **A/N: Bella reached her low point and is still lying about how bad she is but don't worry she's going to get the help she needs (But it's still going to be a slow journey to recovery)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover.**

 **Chapter 18: Never Thought I'd Be in This Place, It's Someone Else's Life I'm Living…Wish I Were Living a Lie**

 _"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."_  
 _― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby_

* * *

Bella spent her first week of outpatient care wondering what Amber meant. She was forced to spend a lot of time in groups or individual counseling. She didn't like it. She thought that she'd just be treated for her drug problem, no therapy needed. She probably should have checked first.

She wanted to quit but Amber threatened to kick her out if she did.

So, Bella mostly lied about everything until they moved on. She was worn out, exhausted, and tired of thinking.

Ever since her suicide attempt, Jacob had stopped appearing in her dreams, almost as if he was punishing her. She'd dream of memories, things they used together, only she'd be doing them alone. She'd be talking to herself in his garage, passing tools to empty air, hiking alone in the woods, riding on the back of an empty motorcycle.

It was horrifying.

Amber had been keeping a closer eye on her, and doing daily checks to make sure Bella wasn't drinking or taking any pills. Her thoroughness was almost to the point of creepy, Bella was a little worried that she'd start asking her to pee in a cup whenever she came back from class.

But that just showed how much her almost suicide scared her.

Embry was constantly hanging around too. Bella didn't know where he was sleeping or living but he looked cleaner than he did the first time saw him.

One day, after Amber went to class, Embry came over.

"What do you want?" Bella asked, and Embry looked down.

"Can I come in?" he asked, and Bella shrugged, she had to go to her counselling in an hour but she was sure this wouldn't take long.

She sat back down at the table, trying to finish her chicken salad, Embry sat across from her.

"I'm not going to apologize," he stated, and Bella glared at him.

"I don't want you too,"

"It sucks that you're here and he isn't," Embry continued, as if she hadn't spoken.

Bella's shoulders slumped.

"Jacob was a better person than you are. He was kind and generous, and my best friend. He was worth at least a hundred Edward's and the fact that you couldn't see that is why we're in this mess,"

"Why are you even here if you hate me so much?" Bella growled as her eyes burned with tears.

She stood up from the table and Embry stood up too.

"You don't have to keep rubbing in my face how much Jacob hates me! I already know," Bella shouted, getting in Embry's face.

"Yes, I do,"

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Bella begged, "You're just making it worse,"

"Because you're the only one who's as broken as me!" He yelled, getting in face. "Because you look just as terrified and as guilty and hopeless as me! I can't be the only person who still misses him. I can't be the only person who can't handle it! You're the only one who's still grieving with me!"

Neither of them moved for a long moment. They could see their feeling reflected in the other; the pain, the confusion and the desperation, the loneliness.

Bella doesn't say anything, she quickly left the room.

Jacob was dead. The sun, the center of the universe, was gone.

Bella pressed her hand to her chest, feeling her heart pounding.

She ran through all the people who had lost Jacob and tried to think of what they were doing.

She hadn't just robbed Jacob of his life. She made a friendly boy turn into a cruel man.

The weight of her self-loathing could have turned the building to ruble. Her chest felt hollowed out and cold.

That's how she found herself in the liquor store. She stood there, staring at the alcohol.

Maybe she was an addict.

Her hands shook and she before she could second guess herself, she pulled out her cellphone.

"Amber…I'm alr…I'm not alright. I'm in a liquor store and I want a drink really badly and I feel like a terrible heartless bitch…I don't know. I'll wait outside," Bella couldn't help but feel a little better, now that she knew her friend was going to help her.

It was fifteen minutes, when Amber showed up and took Bella home. Bella told her about what happened with Embry and Amber didn't seem surprised.

"It's obvious that Jacob was a huge part of both your lives. You're both in pain right now." She sighed, "Maybe instead of hurting each other, you can help one another,"

"I can't help him, Amber," she said. "I can't—I'm not…I'm not strong enough."

"Bella—"

"He _hates_ me," she said. "He should hate me. I killed his best friend. Even Jacob—" she choked on her words, unable to speak anymore.

The thought of helping Embry, mourning Jacob with him —knowing what she had done—made her blood run so cold she might as well be just as dead as Edward.

She couldn't help Embry.

"Bella, you should at least try," Amber said, disapproval leaking into her tone, and something inside of Bella snapped.

" _Excuse_ me?" she asked, sudden anger pounding in her chest. "I can't even help myself. How am I supposed to help anyone else?"

"Bell—"

"I can't help him! I won't help him! I don't want to help him! so will you please stop pressuring me?" Bella exclaimed, trembling.

Amber stayed quiet, which Bella was grateful for.

She had no idea why Amber put up with her.

Dr. Warren was not the kind of counsellor Bella was expecting. She was confident and had an edge to her of a person who'd waded through more than their own share of crap.

She'd barely ten minutes in, Dr. Warren called her out "This isn't going to work if you keep lying?"

Bella started to deny it but the words stuck in her throat.

"Let's try again," Dr. Warren says. "Tell me about why you're here,"

"Not much to tell," Bella said, before taking a deep breath.

She thought about Amber, who was waiting outside in the parking lot. She pictured Embry, who was still sleeping on her couch when they left. She thought of baby Jacob, who she will never see again in person.

And Bell was exhausted; so tired of being broken, but not willing to give up the pain because, in the end, it was all she had left.

"I'm a college student, I'm majoring in engineering. I live with my friend Amber…and recently my old friend Embry has come to stay with us." Bella hesitated, glancing at the door, wishing she could leave.

"And?" Dr. Warren prompted, "What do you do for fun?"

"I work on my bike and I-I socialize," Bella lied, and Dr. Warren raised a brow.

"Define socialize," Dr. Warren pressed.

Bella bit her lips.

"I drink, a lot, and I used to sleep with guys, but I stopped doing that a few months ago," Bella admitted, slumping in her seat.

"And why did you stop?" Dr. Warren asked, writing something down.

"Because…Because I was worrying my friend and after a-" Bella hesitated.

 _She looked at herself in the mirror and saw the red eyes of a newborn vamp staring back at her. She screamed and punched the mirror in anger and breaking it, and cutting herself in the process. The mirror shattered and fell into the sink._

 _Amber rushed into the room and held her as she thrashed and pushed weakly against her arms._

 _"Shh." Amber hushed. "Just let it go, Bella,"_

 _Bella struggled for a few more minutes before giving in._

" _He died alone. I wasn't with him. I let him run from me…I pushed him away and he died all alone thinking I didn't want him. He thought I didn't love him enough. Oh god, what did I do? What did I-" she cried helplessly. "Why why why why why-"_

 _Amber just let her cry it out._

She cleared her throat, "minor break down. My friend helped me turn my life around for a while…until my little slip up that brought me here,"

"Do you really think you were turning your life around or were you just pretending to get your friend off your back?" Dr. Warren questioned, and Bella gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting in, hard, and swallowed.

 _Wake up. Shower. Comb her hair – what was left of it, anyway. Eat –whatever Amber put in front of her. Go to class. Have lunch- wherever Amber dragged her to. Come home. Watch Television. Go to sleep. Repeat._

 _She still had nightmares and her heart still felt like it was bleeding._

 _She still felt like crying when she ran into men who reminded her of Jacob but she stopped sleeping with them._

 _There were times when she'd lie awake at night and cry silently into her pillow. Mindful of Amber in the net room._

 _There were times when she'd open her eyes after a dream and reach next to her and be surprised to find no one there._

"I think I was miserable, but I was going to be miserable anyway and there was no reason for my friend to be miserable with me." Bella blurted.

"So you care about your friend, right?" Dr. Warren asked, and Bella nodded.

"Amber's been there for me more than anyone else. She kept me from falling apart and during the times I did, she tried to put me back together herself," Bella frowned, "I'm grateful that I got her as a roommate,"

"What broke you?" Dr. Warren questioned, and Bella flinched.

 _Bella walked into Jacob's room and rested her hands on the edge of his bed, tears welling up in her eyes._

 _He looked like he was sleeping, like he'd never been in a fight at all; except for the gaping hole in his side and the blood spilling over the side of the bed_

"Life, Death," Bella mumbled, shutting down.

Dr. Warren moved on.

"What about the pills?"

"I usually just drink until either I go numb or I pass out. But that day was really bad and the drinks weren't helping…then I saw Amber's pain killers in the cabinet, from the time she broke her arm, and I…It was an impulsive decision." Bella fibbed, remembering pausing to write letters to her friends and family.

"Tell me about when you started drinking."

"A friend brought me a bottle of tequila to help me deal with my feelings. I was angry and depressed and I just wanted everything to stop. He said that sex would make a good distraction," Bella couldn't meet Dr. Warren's gaze.

"And when do you drink most? Is there a pattern?" Dr. Warren asked, taking notes.

"I used to drink every day and it wasn't uncommon for me to wake up in bed with a stranger in the morning. I drank harder if I had a nightmare, which was almost every night."

"Tell me about how you got here."

"My best friend died. I was in love with him and he was in love with me, but I-I was engaged to someone else and I…I couldn't and then he died and it was my fault and I just kind of…broke,"

"You were engaged?" Dr. Warren stated, but it sounded like a question, "But you were in love with your friend and he died,"

Bella felt sick to her stomach. Talking to Dr. Warren was different than talking about it with Amber. It felt wrong.

"Can I go now?" Bella said, quickly.

"But we still have some time left," Dr. Warren said, glancing at her watch.

Bella stood up.

"I really need to go. My friends waiting for me in the lot and I need to call my dad and I think I…" Bella rattled off excuse after excuse, barely even breathing.

She couldn't be here another minute.

"Okay," Dr. Warren said, gently.

Dr. Warren gave her the treatment schedule.

Bella glanced at it, frowning at the words thirty-six more weeks.

She didn't think she would last another day.

That night, she dreamed she was alone on a snowy mountain top, shivering in a sleeping bag, talking to herself.

She woke up alone, feeling hollowed out…empty and so very cold.

She longed for Jacob's warmth.

She buried her face in her blanket. She wasn't going to cry. She cried enough. Now she was tired, but she couldn't sleep. Instead, she dug her nails into her forearm and felt nothing.

 _Jacob has finally given up on her._


	19. Chapter 19

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover.**

 **Chapter 19: And I am feeling so small…it was over my head…I know nothing at all**

 _"They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for."_  
 _― Tom Bodett _

* * *

In the morning, she washed away the dried blood, treated the cuts with antiseptic, and put on a long sleeve shirt. Hoping, Amber wouldn't notice.

She tried, fruitlessly, to ignore the voice in the back of her head that reminds her that Jacob would've.

 _Jacob chuckled quietly for a minute while his pinky absently traced the designs against her wrist._

" _That's a funny scar you've got there," he suddenly twisting her hand around to examine it._

" _How did that happen?" the index finger of his free hand followed the line of the long silvery crescent that was barely visible against her pale skin._

Bella rubbed her arms, over her sleeves, not sure whether she wanted to get caught up in her memories or push them away.

She looked in the mirror and scowled.

"Do you honestly expect me to remember where all my scars come from?" she replied aloud, and an icy wind blew through the hollow hole inside her.

" _It's cold," Jacob muttered._

"I know," Bella whispered, wrapping her arms around her waist. "I know,"

She shook her head, forced a smile on her face, and made her way out of her room.

Amber made breakfast, chocolate chip pancakes, that tasted like ash on her tongue.

Bella forced herself to eat every bite and smile, as Amber left for class, and Embry walked in without a word, sitting across from her.

She wondered if he and Embry had an agreement that he would watch her during the hour between the time Amber left for class and the time she had to be at Therapy. Maybe they didn't trust her on her own anymore.

Embry watched her, glancing at her long sleeves with a dubious expression, and Bella avoided his gaze, nails digging into her palm under the table, hard enough to draw blood.

Neither had spoken a word to each other, not after Embry's outburst the day before, and the silence was so loud, it _hurt_.

She could feel him scrutinizing every imperfection, every mistake she made, every crack she couldn't hide, digging his dagger of condemnation into her chest.

Bella abruptly stood up. She knew it was early but she decided to go to therapy anyway, leaving Embry sitting alone.

She pretended she didn't hear him call her name as she was closing the door.

She couldn't help him and she wasn't going to try.

…

Therapy was terrible.

Dr. Warren had managed to pry detail from her about her relationship with both Jacob and Edward. Amber said it was helping, but Bella had never felt so…exposed.

She often found herself wanting to cry, but it's like her tears ducts had been sealed. Most of the time, she just felt numb, though she hid it from Amber. And Embry's soundless presence was becoming harder and harder to ignore, as were the little crescent scars on her arms and the palms of her hands.

Amber had pushed her to go to AA meetings every other day and twice on Saturdays.

Bella didn't think she was an alcoholic. She drank when she was sad. Amber pointed out that she was always sad, and Bella reluctantly found herself conceding just so Amber would stop talking about it.

The meetings actually did help.

She didn't speak a lot but she did listen. It helped to know that she wasn't abnormal.

"Depressed people often mistakenly turn to alcohol thinking it will make them feel better or hoping it will numb them. It's not unusual for people to mask or medicate their depression with alcohol. However, alcohol is a depressant and the more alcohol consumed, the more intense the depression. The alcohol takes over and the voluntary action of drinking to medicate turns into drinking to feed the alcohol addiction, which is making the depression worse. It becomes a descending spiral that leads to many physical complications generating the need to mask other pains from such thing as live failure, coronary heart disease, brain damage and other live threatening things." The meeting leader explained, "Now I can help with the alcohol problem but to treat the underlying issue I have the card of a therapist who specializes in treating this area,"

At least she was already covered on that front.

After 20 meetings Bella went home with a white key tag and Amber took her out to celebrate.

"Just for today!" Amber cheered, holding up her glass of root beer, and Bella smiles tapping their glasses together.

"Just for today," Bella agreed quietly.

She could handle today.

It was the rest of her life she wasn't so sure about.

Dr. Warren was starting to pressure her about finding a sponsor and Bella didn't really think she needed one.

She had Amber, right?

"Your sponsor should be someone who has already completed the 12 steps. Things can get pretty rough and while I'm sure Amber is great, you need all the help you can get,"

Which is how Bella found herself asking Casey Harbin to be her sponsor. Casey had been sober for 17 years. She stayed sober through her divorce from her alcoholic husband, and the death of her mother. She was a stern woman, who could shut someone up with a look.

She was the perfect choice.

"If I'm going to be your sponsor, there are going to be a few rules, got it?" Casey said, giving her a hard look, "You have to go to at least one AA meeting every day,"

Bella frowns but nods.

It's not like she was really doing anything with her time anymore.

"I expect you to call me once every day for at least eight months and I expect you to tell me about your day. If it was good, I want to know. If it was hard, I want to know."

Bella could do that, or at least she hoped she could do that. She already had a hard enough time talking to her parents on the phone.

"I expect to see you three times out of week, to make sure that you aren't lying to me about your condition. We could go out to dinner, go to a park, hell, we can go rock climbing for all I care. Just as long as we are in the same place at the same time, face to face,"

Bella agreed, wondering if maybe she should've picked a different sponsor.

"If anything happens that screws with our meetings then I expect you to call and we'll reschedule the meeting for the next day,"

"Okay," Bella agreed, holding out her hand.

"Alright then," Casey said, shaking her hand. "We'll I'm starving, what do you say we get out of here and go get something to eat. I want to get to know the woman I'll be sponsoring from now on,"

Bella found herself sitting next to Casey on a park bench, holding a hot dog from a vendor.

"So, do you think you have a drinking problem?" Casey asked, after she took a bite of her dog.

Bella shrugged.

"I guess,"

"You guess or you know?"

"I admit that my drinking has been a problem," Bella said, "I thought it was okay because I wasn't hurting anyone. I only drank when I was sad, or to numb the pain but…"

Bella was silent for a moment.

"I have a drinking problem," she admitted.

"Do you want to do anything about our problem?" Casey asked, and Bella nodded.

"Yes, I want to get better. I-" Bella broke off, thinking.

" _How dare you?" Amber hissed, "Did you even think about me when you were taking those pills? Or how about when you had the bright idea to drink a whole bottle of Vodka on top of that?"_

…

 _"Because you're the only one who's as broken as me!" Embry yells this sentence at her, and he gets even closer in her face. "Because you look just as terrified and as guilty and hopeless as me! I can't be the only person who still misses him. I can't be the only person who can't handle it! You're the only one who's still grieving with me!"_

 _..._

 _She felt his pain as her own, deepened by the fact that it was given to him by her._

" _I understand," Edward said, turning away from her._

… _._

 _"I can love you Bella. For as long as you want me to. Please, Bella, don't go," Jacob pleaded, and the tears finally fell from her eyes._

 _"I can't," she whispered, this was beautiful but it wouldn't last._

 _His eyes hardened and he moved away from her._

 _"Well, then I hope_ _ **just**_ _love is enough for you Bella," Jacob hissed, running out of the house to his death._

"I'm tired of hurting people," Bella finished, her voice cracking.

"What are you willing to do then?" Casey asked, and Bella let out a wet laugh.

"Whatever it takes," she said, and Casey smiled.

"I can work with that," she said, patting Bella on the shoulder.

Bella looked up as someone ran past, and for a second, she saw Jacob's back as he ran away from her that day, but just as quickly as he appeared he was gone.

She sat her hot dog down and wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly cold.

….

Casey got on her case about skipping classes, and made her promise not to miss anymore classes.

"An education is important, honey," Casey said, taking a sip of her coffee. "I'm a high school teacher and I hate to see wasted potential,"

Bella found herself bringing all her work to her meetings with Casey just to prove that she doing it.

Dr. Warren wanted her to find things that made her happy.

"What do you want out of life?" Dr. Warren asked, and Bella shrugged.

"I want," she thought about Jacob promising that he wouldn't let her down, at the movie theater, "I want to be the kind of person that people can rely on. I'm sick of being the kind of person people have to take care of. I want to help…But I don't know how."

Dr. Warren watched her, expression gentle.

She asked, "Were you like this before the Jacob died?"

"I think I used to be stronger back in Phoenix. I took care of me and my mom but I lost whatever strength I had when I moved to Forks. Edward took care of me and, when Edward left, Jacob took care of me until he came back. Then they were both trying to take care of me and keep me safe," she said. "And since… I've gotten worse." she ducked her head, feeling raw and ran a hand through her short, black hair. "I wasn't quite as obvious with my self-destruction before,"

"Well," Dr. Warren said, and laid a hand on her knee, "You're getting better, right?"

"But is it right?" Bella demanded, pushing the doctors hand off her lap, "Is it? Jacob died because of me. Embry's miserable because of me. Billy's sonless because of me. I shouldn't be getting better. I just feel like—"

"Like you should be in pain because you don't deserve to be happy," Dr. Warren said, and Bella dug her nails in her palm. "Well, you do deserve to be happy—"

"No, I don't!" Bella exclaimed, angrily, rising from her chair, and causing Dr. Warren's eyes to widen.

"Bel—"

"I don't _deserve_ to be happy! I _hurt_ people. Everyone! Everyone I care about; people I've never even met! I'm like a natural disaster!" Bella shouted, pulling her hair, "People _die_ , people suffer, good people! People better than I could ever be!"

" _I'm not..." Jacob struggled, his voice going even huskier as he fought to control his emotions, his eyes tortured, "I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore or anything else. I'm not what I was before. I'm not good."_

" _What? What are you saying? You're better than I am, Jake. You are good." She cried, appalled that Jacob could think himself anything less than amazing._

"Not everything is your fault," Dr. Warren said, calming in the face of her anger.

"Yes, it is. If I had never tried to catch a glimpse of Jacob that day, then he never would have died." Bella said, and Dr. Warren shook her head.

"You don't know that. Anything could have happened," Dr. Warren stated, and Bella wished she could cry.

"The worst thing that could possibly happen did," Bella said, voice trembling, "The only person who loved me for what I was and not what I could be or what they thought I was died. What do I have now? Huh? What do I have to make me smile, to make me feel?"

"You have your parents,"

"Please, they're better off without me. They both remarried new people and are starting new lives as far away from me as possible,"

Dr. Warren wrote something on her clipboard, no doubt planning to bring that up in their next session.

"You have Amber,"

"She's eventually going to get sick of me and leave. I'm a depressed, promiscuous, alcoholic with suicidal tendencies. There's only so much a person can take before they give up,"

"What about Embry?"

"Embry is not my friend! He hates me! He blames me for Jacob's death. He wishes I had died instead and all he does is glare at me until all I want to do is drink!"

"You never told me this," Dr. Warren said, leaning forward, "If he hates you and is making you unhappy, why are you allowing him to come into your home?"

"Because at least he's honest with his hatred. Everyone else pretends that they care or feel sorry for me but Embry told me to my face what I know. I killed his best friend and it's only right that I suffer for it,"

"He said that?"

"Yes!"

"When?"

"Right before I—" Bella's eyes widened, as she realized what she was about to say.

"Before you tried to kill yourself?" Dr. Warren said, bluntly.

"I didn't try to kill myself," Bella said, quietly.

"You're letting the person who pushed you to end your life continue to torment you?" Dr. Warren questioned, ignoring her lie.

Bella bit down on her thumb, hard.

"Bella?"

"He was Jacob's best friend," Bella's voice shook.

"But was he your friend?" Dr. Warren asked, and Bella saw the months Edward left with perfect clarity.

All the time she spent with Jacob and his friends…his friends. Not hers. They took care of her, protected her, and she never did anything in return.

She didn't defend them when the Cullens called them names.

She didn't try to get in contact with them after Edward came back. She wrote Jacob notes, apologizing, but she never told the pack she was sorry.

She never really tried to be there friend. The only thing they had to keep them in each other's life was Jacob…and now they didn't even have that.

" _ **I promised Jacob**_ _that if anything ever happened to him, I would look after you but looks like I didn't need to worry because it's obvious that you didn't care as much about him as you lead everyone to believe."_

"He promised Jacob," Bella mumbled, under her breath.

"What?" Dr. Warren questioned, rising to her feet, and taking a step towards her, but Bella backed away.

"Just leave me alone," Bella said, grabbing her purse and heading for the door.

"Bella, wait!" Dr. Warren called, "I thought you wanted to get better,"

Bella froze.

"How are you going to get strong enough to help your friend, if you run away anytime you feel something?" Dr. Warren pushed, and Bella turned around to face her.

"I don't want to talk about Embry anymore," Bella said, emotionlessly, "If I stay, can we talk about something else?"

Dr. Warren nodded.

"But we will talk about him eventually," she said, sternly, "Now please sit down,"

Bella sat down, looking at her feet.

"Alright, now what do you want to talk about?" Dr. Warren asked, and Bella shrugged, "Fine then, let's talk about your relationship history."

Bella felt nauseous. "Can we not talk about this?"

Dr. Warren stared at her, eyes hard. "It's either this or we go back to Embry. Your choice."

Bella took a deep breath. "The only guy I've ever dated was Edward and then there was Jacob. That it. I never really had feelings for anyone before that."

Dr. Warren gave her a look.

"What about the guys you slept with?"

"I lost my virginity to a History major at a party two weeks after I started college." Bella struggled to remember the rest. "I don't really remember everyone I slept with, but I usually looked for someone who reminded me of Jacob. Then I'd kick the guy out in the morning before class,"

Dr. Warren wrote something down.

"So, you never tried to follow up with any of them?" she asked, and Bella shook her head. "Why not?"

 _"The difference? The difference is that I love you, Bella! There's nobody else in my heart. I have no other options but you do! You have me!" Jacob growled._

"Someone once loved me too much to let anyone else enter his heart," Bella said, quietly, "Loving anyone else would feel like a betrayal,"

"You don't consider sex with strangers as a betrayal."

Bella thought about it and shook her head. "No, sex is physical. But dating someone, getting to know them, and opening my heart? I don't think I could go through that again."

"That's enough for today, Bella" Dr. Warren said, glancing at the clock. "But I have a little homework for you,"

Bella looked up, curious.

"If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater," Dr. Warren quoted, "Now I want you to think about what that means."

Bella frowned, nodding her head, before leaving.

….

Not drinking was hard.

There were nights when Bella would wake up, after another Jacob-less dream, and wanted a drink so badly that she would get sick; sweating and shaking. Sometimes, on those nights, Amber crawled into bed with her, body curling around hers, and whispered how proud she was of her.

Dr. Warren and Casey both said that it was normal to have those cravings. But Bella didn't feel normal.

It was during one of those nights, that Bella finally broke down.

She dreamed of a snowy white mountain top, and yelling at the air. She shouted for someone to kiss her but no one came.

She woke up and covered her face with her pillow so she could scream.

"Jacob," Bella called softly, swallowing, "You're gone and I-" Bella let out a wet laugh, "I'm a freaking mess, and I…I just miss you so much. I'm so sorry but I need you. I can't…I want to drink…I wish I was stronger but I'm not,"

She rolled her sleeves up, looking at her scars.

"I'm weak and I just need you to tell me what you want me to do. What would make you proud of me? Please?"

Bella stared at the ceiling, hopeless, when her phone started ringing.

Bella grabbed it from her nightstand.

"Hello…it's late…no…He said that?" Bella lifted up, eyes going wide, "But how?"

Bella talked on the phone for a few more minutes, before hanging up, eyes wide.

"What's wrong?" Amber said, coming into Bella's room rubbing her eyes.

"That was Sam and Emily," Bella said, still in shock.

"What did they want?"

"Baby Jacob said he loves me," Bella stated, "He mumbled in his sleep a few minutes ago,"

Amber looked confused, but Bella knew it was a sign.

 _For the first time in a long time she felt hope._

* * *

 **Author's note: Yay, Baby Jacob! I really want Bella to reunite with her God child but you know what? I don't quite think she's ready yet.**

 **Please review.**

 **And sorry for all the sad stuff.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and the title of the chapter is from Where is my love by SML**

 **Chapter 20: Cold sheets, oh, where's my love...I am searching high, I'm searching low in the night**

" _When he died, all things soft and beautiful and bright would be buried with him."  
― Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles_

* * *

 _Bella opened her eyes, surprised to find herself looking through Jacob's window._

" _Wha…?" she started, backing away, when she bumped into something hard._

 _She fell to the ground and looked up into the laughing face of Jacob._

 _"This isn't what it looks like," she blurted, automatically._

 _Jacob smirked._

 _"So, you weren't looking through my bedroom window like a peeping Tom?" Jacob asked, raising an eyebrow._

 _Bella's eyes widened and she stared at Jacob, eyes filling with tears as she realized what day this was._

 _"Okay, it's exactly what it looks like," she mumbled, looking at his feet, unable to control her body…unable to control her mouth._

 _She was trapped._

 _Jacob chuckled, shaking his head and reached down to help her up._

 _Once on her feet, Bella looked him over, drinking him in like she would never see him again…because she wouldn't._

 _Her eyes met his seeing the pain in those eyes; raw and piercing, and miserable with a hint of desperation to them._

 _"Jacob?" she questioned and Jacob smiled but it still didn't reach his eyes._

 _"What's up, Bells?" he questioned, still holding her hand and Bella felt herself trying to pull away pull away._

 _ **Stop, don't pull away from him,**_ _she begged herself, but Jacob held firm._

 _"Jacob, let go," her mouth said, but her mind shouted,_ _ **'Hold on,'**_

 _Jacob hesitated, and Bella hated herself so much._

 _"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking down at their joined hands with such a pained expression that it punched a hole through her already bleeding heart._

 _"I just wanted to see you," she said, wishing she could wake up. "I wasn't going to bother you. I just…"_

 _ **Not this day. Any day but this day, please**_

 _Jacob let go of her hand and Bella tried to force her body to move._

 _ **Don't let him go. Don't…**_

 _"You just wanted one last look at what you were giving up," Jacob accused, bitterly._

 _ **No, no, no, no, please, no**_

 _Bella was quiet._

 _Jacob laughed darkly._

 _"You're really not going to change your mind, are you?" Jacob asked, but it was more of a statement than a question._

 _Bella stared into his eyes wishing that she could tell him that she does._

 _ **I didn't marry Edward. I'm not a vampire, Jacob. I'm alive. I'm alive, but you're dead. You're dead and I can't take it, please, please!**_

 _Jacob laughed harder._

 _"You need me, Bella… and you may even love me… but you don't care about me," Jacob drawled._

 _ **I do care about you. I love you Jacob. I love you so much. God, so much Jacob. I need you, please.**_

 _"You're choosing your love for Edward over everything else. What about Charlie? What about your mom? What about your friends…the human ones? Have you even thought this through?" Jacob hissed, angrily._

 _"I have thought about it!" her mouth shouted, and she wanted to slap herself._

 _ **I didn't know, Jacob. I didn't know. I never thought about it. I never realized. I-**_

 _"But as long as I have Edward none of that other stuff matters!"_

 _ **I'm lying, Jacob. I'm lying. I don't know what I'm saying. Please, listen to me!**_

 _"That other stuff is everything!" Jacob bellowed. Then he took a deep breath and calmed himself._

 _"You know what Bella? I'm not doing this," he declared, walking away from her._

 _"Jacob," she called, but he didn't turn around._

 _ **Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Don't follow him. Let him be safe. Let him move on. Please. Don't be selfish. Don't be selfish. Don't…**_

 _She could feel her legs moving and she struggled,_ _ **Please! Don't make me do this!**_

 _Her body followed him into his room, where he was sitting on his bed, reading a magazine_

 _"Jacob, don't do this," her body begged, while she yelled at herself,_ _ **Don't make me do this. I don't want to hurt him**_ _._

 _"Do what?" Jacob grumbled, turning a page._

 _"Please don't shut me out," her body pleaded. "You're my best friend. Please don't make me do this alone."_

 _ **You're going to die, Jake. You're going to die and I'm going to be alone. Please. Throw me out. Don't…don't…**_

 _"But you're not alone. You have Edward, don't you? Isn't that enough?" he said, not looking up from the car magazine he was reading._

 _ **No. It's not enough. It was never enough. Nothing is enough.**_

 _"Yes, but that's different," she mumbled._

 _"Why?" Jacob interrogated._

 _"He's not you," her mouth was moving, why couldn't she stop this._

 _ **Why?**_

 _"Well, you don't want me so-" Jacob trailed off with a shrug._

 _"Jacob please," her body choked._

 _ **Please! Please, please let me wake. Someone wake me up. I can't…I can't.**_

 _Jacob threw down the magazine._

 _"Bella, stop! Please just-" he broke off and stared at her._

 _Her body stared back, when all she wanted to do was curl into a ball and sob._

 _Jacob made his way over to her and cupped her face._

 _"If I begged you, I mean literally got down on my knees and begged you would you change your mind?" Jacob offered._

 _ **Yes, I'll change my mind. Don't leave me, Jacob. Don't die…Don't die, please!**_

 _Her head shook against her will._

 _"If I said that if you marry him I'll run away and never come back then what?" Jacob threatened._

 _ **Yes, run away. Run away from me. I'm sick. I'm toxic. Run, Jacob**_ _!_

 _"I'd be sad but…" she heard herself say._

 _Jacob nodded._

 _He stared at her for a few seconds in silent contemplation._

 _"I wish…I wish…I wish you were mine," He said, quietly._

 _ **I am yours. I've always been yours. I'll always be yours, until my heart stop beating.**_

 _"I am yours," her mouth moved, "Just not in the way you want me to be."_

 _ **Liar! I'm lying!**_

 _"Why are you choosing Edward?" he grilled._

 _ **Because I'm an idiot! I'm stupid! I'm worthless!**_

 _"Because I love him," her body said,_ _ **Yes, but not as much as I love you, Please!**_

 _"That's it?" Jacob probed._

 _ **No, no, no, no, no, no!**_

 _"What more is there?" her mouth asked._

 _ **So much more. There's pain and heartache. There's longing. There's friendship. There's…**_

 _"There's companionship and trust and excitement. You really expect your love for Edward to sustain you for the next thousand years?" Jacob stormed._

 _Her head nodded,_ _ **No, stop lying to him. Let me talk to him. Let me just…**_

 _"You're only 18, Bella. You're not even old enough to drink yet, but you've decided who you're going to love for the rest of your life?" Jacob quizzed._

 _ **Oh, Jacob. I was wrong. I was so wrong. Please.**_

 _"You're barely only 17 and you're claiming to love me. What's the difference?" her body questioned, and Bella wanted to kill herself._

 _ **I can't do this. I can't!**_

 _"The difference? The difference is that I love you, Bella! There's nobody else in my heart. I have no other options but you do! You have me!" Jacob growled._

 _ **I don't have you, Jacob because you're gone and I'm still here. Why am I still here? Why am I still here?**_

 _"But I love him more!" she cried,_ _ **No, I love you more than anyone, but I didn't know. I didn't know!**_

 _"How do you know?" Jacob inquired. "How do you know you love him most?"_

 _ **I don't. I don't. I love you. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU!**_

 _"I just do!"_

 _ **No!**_

 _Jacob sighed._

 _"Why are we arguing?" Jacob wondered out loud._

 _ **Stop yelling at him. Tell him you love him and that you're going to miss him. Tell him you won't marry Edward. Tell him you'll stay human. Tell him…Tell him!**_

 _"I don't know," her body moved against her will, sitting on the bed._

 _Jacob sat down next to her and stared at his hands._

 _"I don't think I can do this, Bella," Jacob muttered. "This month has been hard…I missed you,"_

 _ **I miss you too. I miss you so much. You don't know what It's like. It's been so long, Jacob. So long…**_

 _"I missed you too,"_

 _Jacob stared at her lips._

 _"I want to kiss you," he revealed._

 _ **Kiss me. Kiss me, please. Don't let me go. Don't let me do this. Don't let me hurt you!**_

 _She could feel her teeth sinking into her lip._

 _"That's not a good idea," her body said._

 _"I know," Jacob acknowledged. "But I still want to."_

 _ **I want to, too. I want to kiss you so much.**_

 _Jacob leaned forward until he was just inches from her lips then pulled away._

 _"I want to hold you in my arms and never let go," Jacob sighed._

 _ **I want to hold you in my arms to. Don't leave me! Please don't die. I can't be alone. I can't…**_

 _Her arms wrapped around herself._

 _"I want that too," her mouth moved,_ _ **and you can have it! Why are you doing this? Why am I doing this?**_

 _"I want to make love to you and cover every inch of your body in marks so that no one would ever doubt that you're mine," he groaned, clenching his fist._

 _ **You should've been my first. You should've been my only. Oh, god. What have I done? What have I done?**_

 _"Jake," Her body gasped._

 _"I don't want to marry you," he broke in,_

 _ **I want to marry you. I want to be yours. I want…I just want you, Jake.**_

 _"I know that you don't believe in marriage and I would have been content to spend the rest of our lives together in body and soul, even if not by name," Jacob breathed._

 _ **I want that to. I want to give myself to you. Body, soul, heart. Everything!**_

 _"What else do you want?" her mouth moved._

 _Jacob smiled._

 _"You…I just want you," he declared._

 _ **I need you. I made a mistake. I made a mistake!**_

 _"Is that everything?" her mouth moved, and she could feel the blood flooding out of her chest._

 _She was dying._

 _Jacob brushed his heated fingers across her cheek, and she wanted to nuzzle his hand._

 _"I want you to_ _ **want**_ _to choose me," Jacob replied._

 _ **I should've picked you. Why didn't I pick you? You were always there for me. Always looking out for me. Always loving me and I-**_

 _Her head turned, looking away._

 _"Bella," Jacob chided, lifting her chin._

 _She stared at him, wishing that she could take this moment back._

 _"Can I kiss you?" he inquired, and her body nodded._

 _His eyes focused on her lips again and as they kissed Jacob nudged Bella's mouth open and began slowly exploring the inside of it._

 _ **God, I missed this. I missed you so much.**_

 _After finally pulling away, Jacob smiled and asked her if Edward ever kissed her like that._

 _ **No, no one has ever kissed me like that…and no one ever will.**_

 _Jacob took her head in his hands, his fingers burying themselves in her hair, and gave her another slow kiss that made her want to cry._

 _She could feel her body pulling away and she struggled to kiss him again._

 _"I should go," her mouth said,_ _ **Don't let him go. Don't let him leave. Don't do this to him, please!**_

 _Jacob nodded and kissed the small bit of flesh at the base of her throat._

 _ **Jacob, please**_

 _"I really, really need to go," her mouth said, but her body didn't move._

 _ **Stay with him. Let me stay with him.**_

 _Jacob gave her another soft kiss. Dark eyes, exposed and sincere, stared into hers and she stared back wishing she could tell him what was coming._

 _"Do you still want me to let you go?" he taunted._

 _ **No, I don't want you to let me go. Stay with me forever**_

 _Jacob's lips were on hers again as he skillfully opened her mouth, her soul, her heart and Bella knew that no one else would ever be able to open her up like this._

 _ **No one could ever replace Jacob. No one would ever come close.**_

 _And as Jacob gently kissed her throat, her cheeks, her eye lids, before falling back to her lips, tears began to fill her eyes._

 _ **No one would ever kiss her as gently or love her as much. No one.**_

 _There was no evading Jacob's gaze, Jacob's touch, Jacob's love. And she wanted it, all of it._

 _ **And I could've had it. I could've had it all**_

 _Jacob pulled away and smiled._

 _"I can love you Bella. For as long as you want me to. Please, Bella, don't go," Jacob pleaded._

 _She could feel the tears rolling down her cheek and she hated herself so much._

 _ **Don't make me say it. He's going to die. He's going to be killed. Don't say it. Say yes, tell him you love him. Tell him I love him. Let me tell him. Let me just…**_

 _"I can't," she heard the words come out of her mouth and knew it was over._

 _ **Oh god, why? Why did I do this? Why?**_

 _The silence between them was deafening. And the tears continued to fall from her eyes but Jacob looked cold._

 _ **No**_

 _His eyes hardened and he moved away from her._

 _ **Don't leave me. Don't let him go! He's going to die! He's going to die and we'll never get over it! No, no! no!**_

 _"Well, then I hope_ _ **just**_ _love is enough for you Bella," Jacob hissed, running out of the house._

 _ **NOOOOOOOO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Don't go!**_

 _Bella chased after him,_ _ **Oh, god! Don't let him get away!**_

 _As he phased and disappeared into the trees, Bella gained control of her body._

" _JACOB!" she cried out, chasing after him with tears in her eyes, "Jacob! I'm sorry! I love you!"_

 _She was running through the trees, feeling the branches cut into her skin._

" _Jacob, I never wanted this to happen!" she sobbed, "Please come back! Please! I need you!"_

 _She pushed her way through some bushes and froze._

 _Jacob was lying on the ground, with a gaping hole in his side and the blood was pooling on the ground around him._

" _Oh God," Bella choked, running to his side, "Jacob!"_

" _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" Bella cried, pressing her hands to his side, trying to stop the blood, "I love you so much! Please don't die!"_

 _"I loved you, Bella." Jacob coughed, blood spilling out of the side of his mouth, "I loved you so much. Why did you let me die?"_

 _Tear fell from his eyes and he stared into her eyes, shaking._

 _"Why did you do this to me, Bella?"_

 _Bella could feel the blood seeping through her fingers and wanted to switch places with him. It should've been her there bleeding. It should've been her dying._

 _"Why did you let me die?"_

 _Bella cried harder, wishing she would wake up._

 _"I forgive you, Bella," Jacob breathed, the light dimming in his eyes, "I forgive you,"_

 _"You can't forgive me," Bella begged, "You can't forgive me."_

 _"I forgive you, honey," he smiled, dead eyes staring vacantly, "Because I love you,"_

 _He started fading away, and Bella tried to hold onto him._

 _"Jacob was a better person than you are. He was kind and generous, and my best friend. He was worth at least a hundred Edward's and the fact that you couldn't see that is why we're in this mess," Embry's voice echoed, "Are you going to do the same thing to **him**?"_

 _Then Jacob was gone and she was left holding baby Jake. He giggled, shaking the rattle she brought him, his blanket covered in blood._

 _"Love Bella," the baby mumbled, closing his eyes, face turning blue._

 _"No!" Bella screamed._

Bella blinked, looking up at the ceiling, with tears trailing down her cheeks. No one knew how horrible it was to lose someone, how sad and empty it left you.

It was something you could only understand by experiencing it.

She let out a choked sob and placed a hand over her face, not wanting Amber to hear her. She could feel herself shaking.

She heard her door opened, and pressed her fist into her mouth so Amber wouldn't hear her and she could pretend to be sleep.

"Nightmare?" Embry asked, and Bella flinched, "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"You are literally the last person I want to see," Bella sobbed harder, curling into a ball and hugging her knees to her chest.

It was too much. She needed Jacob.

Embry eyes softened and he reached out as if he was going to pat her on the back, then he pulled his hand back as if burned. His eyes turned cold, and Bella knew what was coming.

"Just because you feel guilty doesn't make it okay," Embry said, sitting beside her, "This is still all your fault,"

Bella didn't say anything, just tried to scoot further away from him.

"Jake loved you and you treated him like crap while he was alive," Embry hissed, and Bella dream flashed before her eyes, "And now you sit around feeling sorry for yourself like you're the only person who lost him,"

Bella curled up tighter, wishing that she had never been born.

"Bella?" Amber's came into the room, looking tired, then she caught sight of them, "What's going on?"

Embry didn't say anything and Bella was sobbing too hard to form words.

"Get out," Amber hissed, shoving at Embry, "Get out!"

Embry stood up and headed for the door.

"And don't you dare come back here!" Amber hissed, before sitting next to Bella and rubbing her back, "Bella, are you okay?"

Bella just continued to cry. Amber stayed by her side for the rest of the night until Bella eventually cried herself into a dreamless sleep.

….

"I've been thinking a lot about what happened," Bella said, quietly, "How one stupid mistake can turn your life into a living nightmare."

She could feel everyone in the meeting staring at her, surprised that she was talking.

"I made a mistake," Bella laughed, bitterly, "And it cost me someone that I loved and I'd do anything to take it back...but I can't,"

Bella balled her her fists, glaring at the floor.

"Now I'm stuck here in this miserable life. Knowing that I robbed the world of someone better than me," Bella replayed her dream in her head, "Someone who might have made a difference. And I have to try to find a way to live with it. I have to find away to live without _him_ ,"

"It's important to look at how we're letting guilt color our behavior, Bella. You know what I'm hearing a lot of? I'm hearing a lot of stuff about how you felt bad you did something, but not about how you rectified it. Guilt can trick us into believing that because we feel bad, we're taking responsibility for our behavior, but the reality is that it's easy to let guilt run the show. It's easy to wallow and do nothing about what's causing our guilt. But it's not helpful, or healthy, or how we heal."

Bella closed her eyes, but she couldn't escape the sight of Jacob laying in his bed, looking like he was sleeping with a huge, gaping hole in his side and the blood spilling over the side of the bed. She could feel the vomit rising in her throat, but she swallowed it down.

Murmurs rose up around the circle as everyone thanked Bella for sharing, and congratulated her on the big step she took, and Bella just wanted to scream.

No one should be congratulating her. They should all stay away from her.

"I'm sure your friend is in a better place," someone said, and Bella lifted her eyes to look at the man.

"I tried to kill myself awhile ago," Bella said, slowly, and everyone went silent, "I swallowed a whole bottle of pills and the drank a whole bottle of alcohol. The doctors had to pump my stomach and restart my heart."

Bella looked around the group, some people looked shock, others looked sympathetic, some looked like they understood, and others were looking away.

"Do you know what I saw?" Bella asked, and the counselor started to interrupt, "Nothing! No white light. No family. No Jacob. Just big, black, empty, nothing and that's where Jacob is right now... _ **because of me!**_ "

The man looked horrified, and Bella looked away from him, to where Casey was sitting, staring at her with a blank expression. Bella looked away from her, and listened as the counselor tried to get the meeting back on track. Bella stood up, before the session was over, and walked out of the room. She went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. She felt someone standing behind her and she forced herself to lift her head.

Casey was standing in the stall doorway, watching her.

"I hope you're not throwing up because you've been drinking," she said, crossing her arms, and Bella wished she was drunk.

"No, this is just me," Bella said, and Casey sighed.

"Let's get you home," she said, helping Bella to her feet.

Bella wondered if this is how her life was going to be from now on.

 _One fleeting moment of hope and an endless cycle of misery._

* * *

 **Author's note: I'm not feeling very happy today. I know that we all have those days but Thanksgiving came and Thanksgiving went and I miss my father. I couldn't think of anything to be thankful for this year and that's terrible. Sorry for venting.**

 **Please remember to review and/or PM your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, ideas, etc.**

 **Bella's speech during her meeting was taken from Scream the Television show.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Goodbye, My Almost Lover**

 **Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and the title of the chapter is from Where is my love by SML**

 **Chapter 21: All These Voices Get So Loud…But They Still Can't Drown The Sound…Of Me Knowing This Is All My Fault**

 _"…You push people away, Marley. You don't realize it, but you do. You close yourself off to anyone and anything that doesn't fit in your perfect little hamster ball of life. But you can't experience love only on your own terms. It doesn't work that way…"  
_ **― Kate Lattey, Dream On**

* * *

"What happened?" Casey asked, handing Bella a bottle of water, and Bella took it with a shrug, "You look like you really need to talk,"

"I'm tired of talking," Bella admitted, "I'm tired of therapy, and AA meetings, and of my roommate having to watch over me like I'm a damn child. I'm tired of everything,"

"Bella, I know it's difficult-" Casey started, and Bella glared at her.

"It's not _difficult,_ " she hissed, "It's not _hard_. It's not a _trial_ in my life or something that I'm going _to get over_. It's a life. It's his life. My life. It's all so tangled together and painful that every time I take a step forward, there's a sharp tug that pulls me right back down."

"Fine," Casey breathed, "What do you think will make you feel better?"

"Nothing," Bella shrugged, "Because I don't want to feel better,"

"Why?" Casey questioned, and Bella let her mind go back to her nightmare.

 _I forgive you, Bella," Jacob breathed, the light dimming in his eyes, "I forgive you,"_

 _"You can't forgive me," Bella begged, "You can't forgive me."_

 _"I forgive you, honey," he smiled, dead eyes staring vacantly, "Because I love you,"_

 _He started fading away, and Bella tried to hold onto him._

 _"Jacob was a better person than you are. He was kind and generous, and my best friend. He was worth at least a hundred Edward's and the fact that you couldn't see that is why we're in this mess," Embry's voice echoed, "Are you going to do the same thing to **him**?"_

 _Then Jacob was gone and she was left holding baby Jake. He giggled, shaking the rattle she brought him, his blanket covered in blood._

 _"Love Bella," the baby mumbled, closing his eyes, face turning blue._

She felt like she'd been stabbed through the chest. The pain was a constant reminder of what she lost…of what she could never have.

And even when she stopped thinking about it, all she was doing was pretending the hole had healed, when it was still cut open and bleeding. It didn't feel like it had even begun to scab over.

"Because you think you let Jacob die," Casey stated, and Bella double over as if there was a slash through her abdomen.

"Every breath I take is another breath that Jacob will never breathe. No matter what I do or what I say, nothing will change what I did," Bella said, "I taint everything I touch and everyone around me suffers for it,"

"Didn't you listen to what they said in AA today?" Casey asked, and Bella looked up surprised, "All you do is cry and let the guilt grow instead of doing something about it."

"There's nothing-" Bella started, and Casey cut her off.

"Have you even tried?" she asked, "Have you even tried to fix things?"

"How? How could I possibly fix it?" Bella asked, her eyes welling up with tears.

"By living your life," Casey said, "By doing something nice for the people who care about you. You feel like you failed Jacob because you took him for granted and then he died, but you're doing the same thing to the people around you,"

"I tried to pretend to be better," Bella growled, "I tried so hard!"

 _Bella fell back into her life with a fury. She started attending her classes and stopped going to parties. She stopped drinking and never missed a meal. If an outsider was watching, they would think that she was over her depression…but she'd learned to mask it. She still had nightmares and her heart still felt like it was bleeding. She still felt like crying when she ran into men who reminded her of Jacob but she stopped sleeping with them._

 _There were times when she'd lie awake at night and cry silently into her pillow._

 _There were times when she'd open her eyes after a dream and reach next to her and be surprised to find no one there._

"I wanted to be better! I wanted it to stop hurting!" Bella was shouting now, "I wanted to stop making my friend worry about me! I wanted-"

 _She turned on the sink and splashed some water on her face. She didn't expect Jacob to be staring at her in the broken pieces of the mirror when she lifted her head._

 _Bella didn't say anything, didn't scream or panic_

 _She just calmly stared into the heartbroken eyes of Jacob Black._

 _"I should have never let you go," Bella whispered softly, reaching out the image, "I shouldn't have been so stubborn."_

 _"Stop,"_ _the mirror Jacob insisted, "None of this was your fault."_

 _"You told me that you loved me, you offered me my dream life, but I was scared and selfish and I pushed you away and you died. How is that not my fault?"_

 _The Jacob in the mirror faded away and Bella found herself staring into her own miserable face._

 _The doorknob turned, and Amber peeked her head in with tired, half-lidded eyes._

 _"You okay, Bella?"_

 _Bella nodded but didn't turn her gaze away from the mirror._

 _"I'm fine," she lied._

 _Amber reached out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder but Bella didn't let her. She didn't want to feel anyone's hands on her after what she just saw._

 _There's something scratching at the surface just beneath her skin, something hotter than anger but deeper than sadness and much darker than her usual self-hatred, itching and clawing to get free._

 _Bella gave Amber what she hoped was a smile and brushed past her back into her room._

 _She just had to pretend a little longer._

"I wanted it to stop!" Bella cried, "But it never stops. It never ends! It just keeps going around and around in a circle of pain, anger, and guilt until everything around me has burnt to ashes!"

"Only you have the power to stop it, Bella!" Casey shouted back, and Bella lost it.

"I can't take it anymore!" she said, throwing the water at the ground, "I feel like I'm never going to be happy again!"

"It's going to be—," Casey said, and Bella whipped around to face her.

"What? It's going to be okay?" Bella shook her head, "Don't you dare say that. Tell me it's my fault. Tell me I failed him. Tell me I deserve to feel like this!"

"I can't tell you that, Bella," Casey said, calmly, putting her hands on Bella's shoulders.

"Then what do I need you for?" Bella asked, before pushing Casey away from her, "I don't need to be coddled, I don't need pity or sympathy,"

"Bella—"

" _No._ "I don't want your _help_. Just leave me the hell alone!" Bella stormed off, and Casey didn't follow.

…

"How was AA?" Amber asked, over dinner, and Bella forced a smile.

Bella closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Fine," she lied, and Amber nodded.

"That's good," she said, and there was a long moment of uncomfortable silence that both waited for the other to fill.

"I-" Bella hesitated, "I wanted to thank you…for everything you've done for me,"

"You're welcome," Amber said, simply, looking a little confused.

"I just wanted you to know that I…I love you and I've come to think of you as one of my best friends," Bella said, and Amber flinched.

"What's going on?" she asked, putting down her fork and standing up, "What did you do?"

"Nothing," Bella said, but Amber scoffed.

"Are you drunk? Did you take pills?" she came close to Bella and smelled her, "Please, Bella. I can't take anymore,"

"I didn't do anything," Bella said, her nails digging into her palms hard enough to draw blood.

"Then what are you planning to do?" Amber asked, nervously and Bella sighed.

"I'm not going to kill myself," Bella stated, firmly, "I just…I'm quitting AA,"

"Why?"

"Because it's not helping," Bella said, and she could tell that Amber was ready to fight her on this.

She got up, from the table, without another word and went to her room, locking the door.

…..

She spent the night, sitting in a chair near the window, peering out at night sky, fighting the exhausting emptiness and pain beating at the back of her brain. She imagined what it would feel like to vanish. To pack a bag and be gone before Amber woke in the morning.

 _She can't think of anywhere she would want to go._

* * *

 **Author's note:** **Please remember to review and/or PM your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, ideas, etc.**


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